Going through the BIG "D"...

And I don’t mean Dallas. Tomorrow is D day. That’s right discharge day.

Emotions are high and questions are looming. For the most part I am trying to keep a positive outlook. I have “carefully placed” hope. I am not operating off of anything other than a maybe, a possible, let’s just see. I worry about the transition home. The weekend visits during his stay in residential never fared well. They were aggressive, violent and downright mean. Nothing changed so locating optimism that the transition home will be smooth is difficult. I will try. I will give this my all and do whatever I am told. I wish some of the people in place to help were not as “accusatory” sounding. Feel more like I am under the spot light with a detective than a therapist. I certainly hope that demeanor changes before speaking with my son. I can see him having a lot of manipulation fun with this one.

I spent some time going back through my blog from the beginning. We have come a long way. I read some of my old posts that sounded so happy and upbeat, the ones where I thought healing was going to begin, the ones where I tried techniques that worked, ones that didn’t, horror moments and reflection. I have changed so much in the last several years. My entire household has changed. I see how my children have shifted and evolved and I wonder what is in store for their future.

Will it always feel this crazy?

I took the time to really focus on my other children during the RTC stay. We laughed, giggled, snuggled, played, sang, dance, you name it, we did it. I was able to love my children without any limits, guilt or repercussions. I hope I can work that balance and continue to be able to be the mom I want to be while being the mom I “must” be.

I never bargained for this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Parenting trauma is intense. If you are not careful you can lose yourself along the way. I was never one to run a marathon but I do in my home daily.

So for now I will listen and do as I am told. I will try whatever they suggest and prepare myself for potential outcomes. I will try to make this work with everything I have. To me, I feel like this is the last mile of that marathon.

I will try.

Ready or not the RTC is done....

It amazes me to think that I have gotten to the mindset that “I just don’t care”. I look back at my life, the last 4 grueling years, my children, my marriage, everything. I am amazed that most of it remains intact.

I feel punished. My heart aches and I am out of answers.

We are days away, Friday the 13^th to be exact, for his return from residential treatment. It did not work. He continues to escalate and continues to attack. They can’t help him no more than he can help himself. He shows behaviors there but nothing like at home. I guess they can’t justify keeping him if he is not trying to plan the next mass attack. He continues to be self mutilating and dangerous. We feel lost, tired and angry.

I have gone silent since he left in May, 2011 (his 9^th birthday). I needed healing for myself, my other children. I have had a taste of what our lives could have been. Bike rides with giggles, snuggling watching movies, hugs-oh the random daily hugs- sweet gestures, laughter and I love yous. It all stops now. I have to transition back into protective mommy mode. I hate who I have become. I try to find my pizzazz and my internal happy that has kept me pushing for so long but the fire is out and I can’t seem to relight the match.

I don’t want to give up on making the memories that I have been making with my other children over the last few months. I will leave them as that, memories, beautiful moments that I had. I can be happy knowing that I capitalized on the time I had with them.

While in RTC he came home for weekends. We never had a good weekend while he was home. The music stopped in the house and the control battle began. The violence and rages continued. Some weekends were better than others and some you just had to buckle down and ride it out until the weekend pass was over. I then spent the entire week showing my other children love and affection. Love and affection piss him off and make him violent. It has become safer to avoid affection when he is home. The affection between me (mom) and the other kids (always better than him according to his perception) causes violent rages and intense moments.

Safety. It’s what’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It seems to be ALL that matters.

I am scared. I am scared of my 9 year old. How do you explain that to yourself let alone the professionals?

I have been beaten down by a new batch of “quick fixers” the State has sent to me. If I am told one more time to throw everything I know about parenting this child again I may scream or start punching. I have been told that therapeutic parenting is bullshit and the proper parenting technique is to “lead by example”.

(those of you that are sensitive to language may want to turn the page here for a moment of venting).

I am the Motha of a F@#$ example as a loving parent. I dissociate better than my child so that I can always show love, kindness, and acceptance and Damnit I spend every breath working on techniques, identifying triggers and trying to make sure everyone moves within the house easily and safely. I have no life other than trying to understand and help my children of trauma.

(please resume normal reading here)

Unfortunately if I do not take the new help I am considered unwilling and I will have no services, nowhere to turn when he goes off the deep end again. I have to play nice and show that “I want to make myself better so that he can love me”. (nice quote huh?-jerk faces!)

He is super excited that we have people that will be in and out of our house “showing me how to be a good mommy”. Did they really say that to him? No. That is his perception and one of the biggest obstacles we have to tackle. His perception. Nothing is as he perceives it. Red is black and a dog is a cat, it is that off. He thinks this new round of treatment is funny and likes that I have to have “helpers” to be his mom. The attention is delighting him. It is yet another person to manipulate and he loves that more than anything.

It sucks me dry. I feel that I have nothing left to give at times. I am numb. I feel weak and ready to just let him finish me off. This sucks. The worst part is my post is so similar to other moms just like me feeling the same thing, looking for answers, giving it everything they have, pulling their hair out, sadly I am not alone in this.

It’s time to find some real answers and I am going to show them they have never met a “motha” like me…

RTC-done

I just left the residential treatment facility my son will be housed at for the next 4 months or more. I wish I felt peace. I wish I was ok with this. I have suffered some pretty intense days in the last 3 years and some down right "how thew hell did I survive" days in the last 6 months. I have spent the last several weeks in a slump. I have no doubt I am depressed. I want to curl up and block everything out.

*

I may take some time away from life for a bit. I need to step back before I make a rash decision.

*

This has been a hard road for everyone involved. Our family has struggled and most of us can make it through a day without showing some scars. For the people that have been there and tried to be supportive, thank you. I doubt I can say or do anything to express my gratitude. I know I am not the easiest to deal with and even more so when I shut down in pain. I appreciate you.

*

Now, for those of you that chose to walk away when you see a family like mine, make snide comments about me giving my child away, asking if there is a military boot camp for such a child, suggest I give him back to the adoption agency, suggest I sue the State for giving me my child, share your unwanted opinion while living your nice little fruity life, call me when you are having a bad day expecting me to stop parenting real trauma and assist you, get pissed when I can't do what you need exactly when you need it, at his little butt with a belt", look at me like I have 2 heads when I say I can't be a volunteer and no he can't have candy!, scoff at me and say "oh my" at my children, turn your nose up at my "odd" family. SCREW you. Happy now? "The demon child" has left the house for a little while. Hope you have fun riding atop your mountain.

*

Somethings just need to be said out loud.

*

I promise to keep an update on approved therapies in RTC as we work through the program. I know RTC is a bit of a stretch for some of you and it was definitely not what I had in mind for our future.