Ten, painfully achieved hugs............
Ok RAD moms here is a good one for you about shame and how powerful it is in a RAD child.
Last night was supposed to be special and big. My 3 kids, 11, 8 and 5 (my RAD is 8) were so excited about the awards ceremony they were having at church for the end of the AWANA's year. They all had their own little parts and were going to be recognized for their efforts throughout the year! I was such a proud mom.
They stood on stag, one by one smiling and reciting memory verses and accepting their awards. My RAD started off on stage ok and then became very loud and bossy with the other kids (mind you he is still on stage). Little brother (5) got the brunt of it, as he always does. They climbed off stage with tons of applause and you could see the shift BAM!! SLAM!! My RAD's face went from a smile, to a smirk to a serious frowny face. The frowny face remained until church was over.
After church I congratulated all of them on their efforts and let them know how proud I was of them. My RAD never spoke to me and when I told him I was proud he gave me that "your gonna regret praising me look". I knew after a good night I was in for it. Shame will rear its ugly head. It always does!
We went home and had a healthy snack and got ready for bed. Everything was normal (as it could be ---calm before the storm). I was the good mommy and checked his room before bed time (yes we have to have a prison shake down regular but I will explain that later). All seemed normal. We had story time, prayers and hugs (although forced I think) just like we always do and off to bed. My RAD has his door closed at night with an alarm (family safety-again topic for later).
Well I expected a bad morning filled with attitude and whatnot but instead I got a RAD who came out of his room for his shower with a blood soaked ear! I mean all down his neck, dried and crusted everywhere. He said it didn't hurt, took his shower to clean himself and the blood was still there. After 20 minutes of "gentle mommy cleaning" and talking to him it was clear. Here is the conversation (mind you I am trying to determine the cause, keep him calm and avoid a before school battle:
"W, I am so sorry that your ear is all yucky and stuff I wonder how it could have gotten that way?"
RAD: "I didn't do it! I woke up like this!"
"I didn't say you did it honey just curious about how, I don't want you hurt, wonder if something climbed in there while you slept....hmmm ...oh no W I don't remember sign language? Help does anyone remember how to sign? We have to hurry up after school and learn it before you can't hear!"
RAD: "What are you talking about?"
"Well if you can't hear we can't talk and play music and sing so we have to sign"
RAD: "I am fine"
The rest of the morning my RAD forgot everything, how to button his pants, brush his hair, brush his teeth, turn the cold on in the shower....literally he stood under the hot water (I am sure it didn't feel good) screaming because he didn't know what to do.
Later that morning my RAD admitted he was awake in the middle of the night and something "may" have happened to his ear. Our morning ended with a hug and scheduling another doc appointment for "projectile in the ear" (they know me by voice up at the doc's office now). He went to school calmly and seemed to be in a good mood.
All this because I was proud of him? He couldn't even enjoy his moment in the spotlight. I hate shame.
About us:
I have just begun my journey so I hope my ramblings can help. My RAD was diagnosed April 1, 2010. My 11 year old is biological and my RAD (8) and his brother (5) are adopted from foster care. I have literally spent almost 2 years dealing with therapist and the system trying to find out what was different about my son. He is wonderful at manipulation and it took 2 years to prove (and a video camera showing him attacking me) to therapist (even my husband) that something had to be done. I am still learning. We are learning together. I don't have all the answers and I have days I wonder how I am going to make it through, but I do.
I am asked by a LOT of people how I remain so calm and loving with RAD when he spirals up. My answer is simple:
Most people wake in the morning and contemplate what their day will be like, will it be good, bad, will I have to go shopping, will the boss be in a good mood, what's for dinner.....
My son wakes everyday and thinks about who will try to hurt him today and how can I protect myself.
Continue your journey, it is worth the fight in the end (I have not made it there but I still have faith and hope left....even if some of my hair is missing now! LOL)
Thank you so much for sharing. I have 7 children, first four biological and the last three foster adopted. Our 3 1/2 year old was placed with us at 8 months of age. Shortly after he was in our home, I noticed something was different about him. I have read about RAD for the last 3 years and although we have not been diagnosed yet, I believe he suffers from it. I have our first counseling appt. in a couple of weeks. The last three years have been the toughest years of my life. I, too, sought help from case workers and got nowhere. A friend directed me to your blog this morning and I have been reading and crying since. It is so refreshing to read about someone else dealing with some of the same things...I know I am not crazy and this is real. Thank you for helping me feel energized to help my son.
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