Going through the BIG "D"...

And I don’t mean Dallas. Tomorrow is D day. That’s right discharge day.

Emotions are high and questions are looming. For the most part I am trying to keep a positive outlook. I have “carefully placed” hope. I am not operating off of anything other than a maybe, a possible, let’s just see. I worry about the transition home. The weekend visits during his stay in residential never fared well. They were aggressive, violent and downright mean. Nothing changed so locating optimism that the transition home will be smooth is difficult. I will try. I will give this my all and do whatever I am told. I wish some of the people in place to help were not as “accusatory” sounding. Feel more like I am under the spot light with a detective than a therapist. I certainly hope that demeanor changes before speaking with my son. I can see him having a lot of manipulation fun with this one.

I spent some time going back through my blog from the beginning. We have come a long way. I read some of my old posts that sounded so happy and upbeat, the ones where I thought healing was going to begin, the ones where I tried techniques that worked, ones that didn’t, horror moments and reflection. I have changed so much in the last several years. My entire household has changed. I see how my children have shifted and evolved and I wonder what is in store for their future.

Will it always feel this crazy?

I took the time to really focus on my other children during the RTC stay. We laughed, giggled, snuggled, played, sang, dance, you name it, we did it. I was able to love my children without any limits, guilt or repercussions. I hope I can work that balance and continue to be able to be the mom I want to be while being the mom I “must” be.

I never bargained for this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Parenting trauma is intense. If you are not careful you can lose yourself along the way. I was never one to run a marathon but I do in my home daily.

So for now I will listen and do as I am told. I will try whatever they suggest and prepare myself for potential outcomes. I will try to make this work with everything I have. To me, I feel like this is the last mile of that marathon.

I will try.