Finding ME

So the last few days I have been focusing on finding me. Not by choice but because I signed up for a Heather Forbes online mother's conference and was thrust into finding myself. I have had blast being able to connect with other mothers who are in the trenches right along with me. Through chat, funny dialogue, web cam dancing and many, many tears.

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For those of you who have yet to read Heather Forbes, I encourage you to do so. One section that she really delves into is finding the path from your trauma to your child. Meaning, what trauma do you have or interaction that you have had in the past that reminds you of the child or the child reminds you of? Sounds complicated I know. Look deep into that child who is raging, cursing, throwing nasty comments, kicking, biting, punching, spoiling your once happy life and ask yourself at what time in your life have you felt the same feelings this child brings up in you with his/her behavior? This child was not put in your path by mistake. I think you already know that. This child is your path to look into yourself and heal on your own while helping him/her heal with you. This realization was so profound for me. It shocked me. I mean brought me to my knees. I am not going to post for the world what my trauma was. It has been a week filled with gut wrenching sobs for me. I did share my experience and what my RAD was to me with the Heather Forbes online group (I love love love my new friends). I thought I was alone. I felt like I sounded cold talking about my trauma because my wall had been there for years and was impenetrable. The wall that I had so painstakingly built was crumbling. I was amazed to realize there were women in the group that had experiences similar to mine. The love and support I received when I finally told my story was nothing short of awesome. I am going to be ok. I am going to heal. In doing so I am setting myself up to better help my son heal.

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"The walls that you built to protect your heart

are the same walls that bind you down and hold you in."

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I hate that I built these walls but it was for my own sanity. Taking them down every so slowly brick. by brick. by brick. is intense but I have sunlight and I have hope. I want to start to celebrate myself more. Enjoy life more despite the RAD rages, the office, the financial issues, the therapy expenses, the other children, the activities, the housework, etc....All the things that I put in front of allowing me to just breathe and be ME.

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I encourage you to celebrate yourself this week. Find a mom and hug her. You may never know how much she needed it. I am so grateful for my little online community and the few real life friends that are keeping me going, praying for me and letting me vent and sob. I love my sisters and I can start to love myself.

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I don't think my new found sense of self is a quick fix or the answer to my prayers but I think that changing my state of mind will help me to better cope and deal with the RAD and life in general. In the last week my husband and I have actually started to dream together again. It has been a LONG time since we allowed ourselves to dream. It's time for a new chapter. I know my lot in life and I am ok. Better yet, I am OK with NOT being ok sometimes! Think on that.

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So, to those of you that read this and follow my blog and facebook and have emailed me just to say hi and I am with you....I love you guys. Your support has meant the world to me.

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I have recently registered in some new chat/discussion forums if anyone is interested:

The Little Prince (for RAD)

Delphi Forum (for RAD)

Heather Forbes message boards (for all trauma)