Days after hospitalization

The last few days have been rough to say the least. My RAD came home and immediately started in on the rest of the family. He is in pain, I know. He is scared, I got it. He wants to hurt other people to diminish his hurt, Dude, I get it! Problem is that it feels as though we are back at square one with him. The little stint in the hospital has not proven to do anything but send him home to quickly push the limits to see how far he can get and aggressively try to obtain control over the masses. He has to be separated at all times and closely watched. No more than before but he is intense. I mean INTENSE. He will rage at the drop of the hat and I have been slinging my therapeutic parenting skills left and right. Nothing. Gotta keep trying.

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He started school today and became angry when the teacher would not let him nap. This year is gonna be fun :) The teachers and administrators are aware of what he is capable of so now we just have to see how far he gets before a blow out. My RAD and attending school is like driving on a really flat tire hauling a load of cattle. Imminent doom but you keep driving. I provided them with the Letter to Teachers linked on the side of my blog. Hope it helps. Hope I have been taken seriously and they read it.

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His habits around the house have been less than appealing. The wicked pee monster has returned! I am really not sure all the places that the pee is being launched but seriously his room smells like a urinal. Guess it is time to rip the carpet out. It doesn't matter how many times he cleans the mess and he does have to clean the mess, the pee monster is back when we wake him in the morning. His other hygiene habits are lacking and I know we will cycle like this for awhile. Oh well. We deal with it at home as we should but I worry now that school has begun. What will happen the first time a kid makes fun of him? Will he attack? I honestly don't know that answer.

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Prayer. It is really my only option. The best option. Wish I could explain everything to him and he actually listen. Wish I could capture the trauma and extinguish it. I would swallow it for him if I could. I am sure everyone reading this is nodding their heads, they would do the same.

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I find myself being less than optimistic for the future. Any one else join that feeling? Any ideas on how to staunch it? I don't look at my son and cry because I don't want him or because he is not what I had envisioned in adoption. I cry sometimes because I am scared for him, for his future. I have no doubt I am doing the very best that I can do for him. I worry I may not be enough. I look at other RAD moms and they are pounding through the issues with grace and smiles. Sometimes it is hard to do for me. Although I always maintain my cool and never break in the presence of my children. Maybe it is because I have only begun or maybe I truly am my own worst critic. I have read more books in the last few months than I have the last several years (like most of you) and yet I still don't feel like I have all the knowledge to press forward. There has to be a way to help these kids without killing the rest of the family.

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Stay safe sisters and keep fighting. Although we blog to free our own minds....know that your words are being watched, your struggles are documented and followed by others, your pain is not all your own and your tears are accompanied by many.