I have been struggling and feel a bit confused. Half of me screams that my other adopted son (not the RADish I blog about) may very well be a form of RAD or something else. He is inappropriately attached. Sounds weird. Loving kid. Seriously loving but to the point of climbing up your skirt, wanting to hang on you non-stop, wanting your undivided attention and acting out when he does not get it, mimicking a lot of RAD behavior. Your probably thinking "shut the front door lady and be happy you have one of the two you adopted that wants to be close to you." Well you are right I have thought like that but the more I pay attention to the ways in which he wants to be with people the more I worry. He is not this way with just me. He will cuddle with anyone anytime anywhere.
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Show him any attention and he is a tree frog. That's what we call it."Smack, tree frog" You know how a tree frog has suction cupped itself to the surface it wants to hang on? It does not matter how many times you shake it is glued to your butt? That's my little man. We even have noises and hand motions we make when it happens. Everyone in the family makes these tree frog motions when little man starts treefroggin. (We are from the South so please be patient with my country terminology) So back to the point at hand. Inappropriate attachment. Seems odd to me because I have the EXACT opposite in my RADish. He is a no touching/no hugging/no looking/no nothing sorta kid. Seriously he will touch you on his terms and his terms alone. Like the difference between a cat and a dog. A dog wants to be pet all the time and knows that you enjoy petting him and feeds off of the owner's energy. The cat- he is different. Touch me when "I" want you to touch me. My RADish is a cat (notice how I did not say kitten--pretty sure he is closer to a panther and quickly moving up the feline chain to massive mommy eating lion).
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I made a list of some symptoms that have been occurring and was hoping for some feedback. I can't get him in with the therapist because she is booked. We have discussed my little man before and I have told her several times he is not RAD but he has issues, maybe just anger. I don't know if I am trying to convince her or myself. I have used therapeutic parenting on my little man same as my RADish and have had some success. He has responded well so hence the confusion. I will find a way to get him seen by our therapist because she is pretty awesome and does everything she can to find out what the root of a problem is before throwing a diagnosis at a kid.
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I found this page that has the various levels of RAD. Remember I going to Louisiana to find out more on my diagnosed RAD and maybe I should look at this entire list closely for him. Here is little man I grabbed from the page I just referenced. I omitted symptoms that do not apply to him and added some of my own:
- Destructive both with his stuff and others
- When they want something, they act very affectionate.
- Cruel to animals but almost in an aggressive affectionate way (I know that doesn’t make sense)
- Tend to be overly clingy, showing extreme separation anxiety when separated from their mothers.
- Incessantly chatters to control conversation
- Appear to be eager to please and are superficially compliant.
- Are often passive aggressive, constantly doing little things wrong, but never doing anything really bad, but frazzling the parents patience and control.
- Constant lying to the point of making up really bizarre things
- Stutters and can’t seem to get a sentence out
- Can be extremely mean but does it to one person almost secretive so no one else sees or hears and then denys it or stops talking all together. You confront him and he wont talk to you. Tell him "answer me" and he will ignore you, look away or make up a bizarre lie.
- Easily frustrated
- Anger, anger, anger-he is one mad little boy when he does not get his way. Tries to bury his anger then explodes
- Long drawn out crying fits when he gets in trouble, similar to a 2 yr old tantrum
- LAZY to the extreme! Moves slower than any child I have ever seen!
- Can be compliant, agreeable & superficially engaging
- Lack depth to their emotions & functions – robotic like, not genuine or real in emotional engagement.
- Sullen and openly oppositional, but mostly in a passive aggressive way.
- Have highly disorganized behavior and a bizarre showing a variety of symptoms.
- Has mental illness in the family history but has never been diagnosed (he is a champ at “dooping” people almost more so than my diagnosed RAD-no therapist has cracked this kid yet
- Are excessively excitable (other RAD children are usually moody.)
- He is so cute it is ridiculous and he knows it (I mean this kid is darn cute)
- He has a smell to him that we can’t figure out. Bad smell. We have checked his digestive track, teeth, you name it-nothing
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So, most awesome RAD moms out there. Any thoughts? Am I crazy here or do you see the pattern I see? This is hard. At times I look at my kids and we almost feel like a "normal" family. That feeling may only last for 2.5 seconds but at least I was able to feel it! I think I will continue with the therapeutic parenting on little man and see how it goes. I need to change it up a bit though because he is SO dependent on me while my RADish wants nothing to do with me. Finding a balance seems to be the #1 goal. (other than the ever popular safety)
My 7 year old has similar behaviors and I think it is probably an insecure attachment, as opposed to RAD. She is both FASD and Bipolar, and we didn't get her until she was 5 months old. We just adopted an almost 5 year old from an adoption that failed and she has RAD. Her RAD behaviors seem to trigger the 7 year old's insecurities. Finding a good shrink is important because in traumatized kids, symptoms overlap between diagnoses.
ReplyDeleteOh suck! I missed this one for a long time, too. I just couldn't see it...or didn't want to see it...or something like that.
ReplyDeleteSadly, it's most likely not opposite spectrum of RAD, but merely a different presentation of it. There are two different forms of RAD - inhibited and disinhibited. One will resist all types of relationships and affection and will often externalize their feelings and show their stuff in the form of obvious negative behavior. The other will seek affection and nurturing from anyone, but will often internalize their feelings. They are more prone to subtle behaviors such as passive aggression, shutting down, etc. Just to make things more complicated and fun, these two types of RAD aren't mutually exclusive. Many kids may exhibit sypmtoms of both types of RAD.
I technically have one of each, meaning that generally, they lean one way over the other...but they both exhibit behaviors indicative of both types. Neither one is better than the other or less significant or important. One just doesn't get the cops called on you as often. :-)
I have to agree with Diana. My 3 RADishes are/were/continue to be passive aggressive. My oldest was 10 1/2 when we got her and it wasn't until 4 years later that we found out about the sexual abuse piece. Then after she went to RTC her younger sister started acting out and we got the diagnosis for RAD with them, too. It looks different with each one but it's there, unfortunately with the safety issues as well (sexual abuse). You can't go wrong with implementing therapeutic parenting with both. I will tell you that it is extremely hard having more than one. Puts me over the edge sometimes. My youngest 2 are a seesaw. They never both do well at the same time. Trust your gut. Nobody knows your kids like you do.
ReplyDeleteSounds like RAD. but a different kid. So sorry to say that. It is still control, manipulation, and difficult. I have one that incessantly chatters, one that only incessantly chatters when she is with someone she likes (not me lol), and one who has chosen selective mutism since I don't respond to tantrums. Three children, all very RAD, and all showing the same control in different ways. Therapeutic parenting times 2! So sorry!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. Was hoping you all would say I was crazy :(
ReplyDeleteI guess I keep moving and prepare to get my therapist fast tracking my little man to tell me what I need to know. You are right though. My kids. I know them. I know them better than anyone and I have tried to tell myself that I am imagining it.
Hi new here. This is actually the FIRST thing I read (here) because I googled the p/a-RAD connection, so I was hoping for a bunch of "your just looking for an issue" comments... I was hoping everyone would say you were crazy; because then we'd both be crazy but happy(er) that our (new... well -ISH) kids certainly DON't HAVE RAD.
DeleteHope that reading forward, I'll read that everything is sunshine and rainbows and you were nuts. If not... Best wishes to you and yours and thank you for sharing!!!
My daughter to a "T". Most experts say this is the "sicker" RAD since they are using love and manipulation to control things. Think about it, how many kids Demand hugs/kisses, even scream and cry over it? Mine loves to be that way, but not because she LOVES us, but because she wants to control in some way, Odd I know. Her hugs and kisses feel "odd" not really real, more of a sad act shes perfected with everyone. She loves to bat her eyelashes at everyone and play sweet........
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