Can I have an anti-psychotic cocktail, table 2 please!

So we are doing the cocktail dance with the meds again. I would love to tell you that I am on my soap box and that meds are bad and you should go Au-natural but who am I kidding? Before I met my son, I WAS that mom. Now that my sweet son is with our family I am all for the meds. Sadly without them he is more than a little unbearable. Similar to a wild animal caged but seriously tormented and taunted before strapping them in a teeny tiny box. That's trauma folks. My RAD wears his like a beacon most days. It is HUGE, larger than life at times. His trauma is ugly and a pain in the butt. But, it is his and I will fight for him. My hubby has a great saying "Step aside people, look away Trauma Talking". As he smiles at people giving him the "I am gonna call DCF look" or "You should spank that child" or "how dare you talk to that child in such a fashion". I love people and their ill regarded advice. My favorite line when someone says I should spank my child is "Well thank you for the offer. I could use some anger management. How about you and I go to the parking lot and I spank you? Nope? Ok then have a nice day." All time winner.... "Jesus loves you" (gotta say that with a huge cheesy grin) You would surprised how many people turn their nose at you. Silly people. Silly ignorant people. World is full of them. I chose to not be one I guess.

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I have seen some posts lately from friends (ok not real like friends-lets be honest all my close friends of RAD are via this magic box in front of me). Anyways my friends struggling with therapists and the general public on RAD. I wrote about it not too long ago and received several heated comments/emails.

Here is a post from one such mom that really hit home when I read it. You can feel her frustration:

"This is hard f*cking work. I hate it. I hate that we keep getting into this cycle, and I hate worrying that it will always be this way. I hate wondering "Is this it? Is this the time when we should throw in the towel and put her in residential, or a group home?" Because I'm tired. I'm worried. I worry about V, and I worry about the other kids. I worry about CPS, who doesn't know jack about therapeutic parenting, I worry about stupid neighbors calling the police about nothing, I worry about stupid police saying stupid things in front of my kids like "why don't you just send her back?" I worry about how to get her in to treatment, and how to fund it, when I can't even keep the other kid funded, and one would think it would be pretty easy to prove that he needs treatment."

-- Corey at Watching the Waters--

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Sad huh? We all go through it. Wondering if what we are doing is even going to work or if we will just end up at the end of an ID Investigation or Dateline episode if we can't get our kids unstuck. Or if our kids will end up in residential somewhere. Will they hurt other people? Scary. No one really knows if what we are doing is any good. We all try though. Day in/Day out. Keep drudging along. It is better than the alternative which is what got most of our kids to this point.

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I would like this to be more informative today than a rant even though I feel due for one. Lately I have been discussing the ever changing weight gain of my RADish. He is packing on the pounds and there seems to be no end in sight. His meds have been altered and that is why he has weight gain. Well that and he is gorging on food like he will die. Because he truly thinks he will die. We were working pretty good with the "I am gonna die" stuff when he was on ADHD meds. We were able to at the very least get him focused long enough to talk about not dying and mommy taking care of you and showing examples, etc. Well now that the med is gone (because he is having auditory and visual hallucinations) we have zero focus zero tolerance RAD who is hungry and about to be bigger than his mama. I can't tote him up the stairs and he knows it. Scary for him to think for the slightest moment that he is stronger than me. Not to mention the random sharpened pencils I have found laying around the house. (shudder) Five total, all over the house, some in hiding places. Man the thought makes me cringe. We don't even have a pencil sharpener in a child's reach for that reason. So back to the meds. We have no focus no tolerance and we spin, head bang (looks like whip lash), convulse, pace, and more ALL. DAY. LONG. It does not matter how many times we run around the house, hunt for our silly, jump on the mini trampoline, nothing stops it. He is paranoid non stop. Everyone is out to get him. Everyone is making fun of him. Even when nobody is saying a word. I am pulling out all the stops here. I am using Family Kid talk and "beat lonely kid" ideas and nothing seems to work. The melts are more frequent and seem to last a bit longer as well. Problem is I don't know if he is stuck or not! Seriously. You can't tell if one minute it is playing you for a fool or if he really is stuck on an emotion or unhappy. Read Corey's post again. RAD can be very manipulative and these kids CAN CHOOSE to be stuck. They CAN CHOOSE to be unstuck. RAD does short circuit the brain. Don't get me wrong people but at times when you look at your child right in the eyes on their level, you can see that they are taking a stand and choosing to remain stuck. Their brain is working. This is their control.

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The meds are now going up and adding too. I will keep you updated. I am preparing to take a trip to Louisiana to meet with a world renowned attachment doc. He is supposed to be "the bomb" at identifying what type of RAD and helping correct certain things and teach parents. We will see. I will keep you guys posted as to what happens.

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I was also informed today by the psychiatrist that it may be time for RAD to be home bound for awhile. Seriously? I applaud all my friends who home school their RADs. I just can't. Not only did I not exactly excel at school but some of us have to work to feed the therapy bills and shrink shops! ahhh! I need a balance! (suggestions greatly appreciated here ladies)

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So the honeymoon with the new Nanny is over. Man I love this girl. She got a gut check, literally, knocked the wind out of her and kept smiling. Trust me now that we have a RAD that is 20lbs heavier, his gut checks kinda hurt! LOL So you all know about the black eye from Labor Day. RAD was sporting his black eye really good. Poor Nanny took the kids to the park to be fun. RAD started having a horrible time, throwing sand and making everyone else miserable, thus eliminating the fun for everyone. My Nanny had to carry him man-handle style while he has a black eye, flailing and screaming you are not my mommy! Let me go! With a cop at the playground :) She took it like a champ smiled and kept walking!

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So I ask again, cocktail, Table 2? I think I am ready for my cocktail. However, my cocktail is going to wait until the Orlando RAD Mom Retreat! I can't wait!