Pre and Post Orlando~I knew it would be intense

BIG FEELINGS! Monster feelings more like it. I thought I would take a smarter approach and wait until the last minute before I told my children about Orlando. I did not want hubbs to have to be subjected to rages without me for support. Things did not work that way. The week of my trip there was a ton of issues. My violent RAD was able to kick so hard he made holes in the wall. Great. He can see physical damage from his rage. Wonderful. Now the fun begins.

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I leave. He makes sure I know before I board my plane he hopes it falls from the sky. "Love you too baby, have a good time with dad."

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I am gone, therefore, all is good.

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Dad tries to plan things to occupy their little minds. They have a pretty slow weekend and seem to be happy. My bio gets excited about my return. The other kids start straightening the house anticipating mom's arrival. My violent RAD throws his foot (or shoe) through his glass closet door. Guess we did not need that closet door anyways.

(how much do you love that the room is a complete mess because he has tornadoed it....and he doesn't have hardly anything in his room)

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My hubbs says it was not rage invoked. How was it not? He was not screaming or raging. Does he have too? Did you happen to see a trigger?

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He was angry because I was hours from coming home. Make me sad that he wanted me out of the picture so much. Makes me wonder some days if I really make a difference.

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He did not speak to me when I came home. He refused to speak to me the next morning. He told me he loved me coming home to make him dinner, that's it. Glad to know I am a good cook.

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I used my therapeutic parenting skills and donned a happy face. Fake it til you make it, right? (love that quote)

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My children lead a charmed life. They have everything they need. They have what I always wanted and dreamed about as a kid. Their lives may have started rough but safety and happiness and love flow easily through our house. I wish they could see it. I wish they could breathe long enough to take in the wonderful life we have built for them. I wish that part of their brain could over power the bad. I wish I could fix this........

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For now and until we get back into a normal swing the rages continue, they get bigger and bigger, the small and insignificant RAD traits just don't seem so important when you are on high alert non-stop for safety. Maybe this is the normal swing for now. I hate the disease. I am trying desperately to love the kid.