A New Perspective our Gift from God

For those of you who have been following my family, you know the deal. We have different names for different ways to describe issues. Family Kid vs Lonely Kid, etc. You may also recall that my son is very much into "what would Jesus do" type of answers.

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My husband was present during the latest melt and decided since he was not around much and mom clearly needed to finish up with the other kids he would step in. The melt was pretty significant and the minute they got to RAD's room RAD tried to kick his father. My husband in one fail swoop wrapped him up in a therapeutic hold and spoke with him. Sounds a little harsh right? Not even close. My RAD is violent. I mean VIOLENT. He kicks you once, he makes you really hurt the next time. Stopping his pleasure from hurting another person is key. And yes, sadly he derives pleasure from it. I know everything comes from the fear state but you would have to see his face to know what I mean. If I was not so paranoid about privacy and safety I could post videos that would make you sick to your stomach.

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Once the rage subsided and my husband was still holding him he told him about Love. Love being a gift from God to man. A gift to make us happy, keep us warm and fill our hearts. (what a great statement)

He went on to show our RAD his hands balled into a large fist intertwined together, tight, hard and impenetrable as shown above. He said that if you look at these hands nothing can get in. This is like your heart right now. It is closed off and we can't get love in. It makes us sad. God says we give love and we receive love. We are doing everything we can to be able to show you how to do that too and feel safe while you do that. We love you and we want you to be happy and enjoy God's gift.

We want your heart to be like this. Open, light, warm with lots of love filled inside. This is what God has given to us. What do you think?

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It did not take long but our RAD wanted to "whip lonely kid before Christmas". He is dead set on given it a shot and accepting his gift from God. My husband had such a proud look on his face and I think he shocked himself by thinking off of the cuff like that. I am proud of him too.
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I paraphrased most everything. It is hard to detail the entire story. I think Heather Forbes would be proud of my hubby right now. I wanted to pass on a small clip in our healing bank to all the parents out there in RADland.

Keep reaching for their hearts

I am trying to change things up and continue to parent with pizazz. Sometimes when your emotional cup is drained it is hard to be creative. I am learning daily to keep my cup full. Little things do it for me. I remember a smile at the grocery store, someone letting me cut in traffic, a friend saying something silly on FaceBook, watching a smiling family cross the street to the park. You know, stuff we take for granted. I feel like the last week I have had a need to focus some time on me. I steal every moment I can to try to re-fill my cup. Renew my spirit. I encourage you to find your "free refill station."

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I spent reflection time on the drive home and when I arrived at home I made up my mind. I have to change the dynamic. I walked in and my youngest was sitting on the couch watching TV. My middle (RAD) was at the dining room table zoning out. I greeted both kids and turned off the TV. I asked them what they had done for the day and my RAD had done extra chores to earn money. I walked with him and my other son so he could show me his work. He did a great job. I gave him high five (not making a huge deal out of it but a big deal). Told him thanks for the good work. He was pleased with himself and came and hugged me. Odd behavior for him and usually starts the prelude to a meltdown. I went to the kitchen to cook for the night and he followed. My youngest went back to the living room to plop in front of the TV. I walked in to the living room and said, "Nope, no TV. I am going to cook and I would love some company." They both smiled and followed me to the kitchen. We had about 30 minutes of chatting. Getting to know each other's day, easy and comfortable chatting. It was a nice break from the normal evening exchange of hate and fear.

I started asking fantasy questions. What would you be if you could be anything when you grow up? Where would you live? If you could change one thing about your life what would it be? Some of the answers were funny. Some serious. RAD did not answer the questions completely. After about 5 minutes of more chatting about the day and random stuff RAD stopped the conversation. He said I know my answer now mom. I said answer to what hon? I know what I would change (brace yourself Brandy). "I would make us be on the boat forever and ever. We were so happy!" I agree with him. He is referring to the family cruise we took a month before the "gotcha day" for adoption was done. We already knew the kids were ours and we had a court date so we planned a cruise just before school started as our "gotcha day" memory. He was right. We were happy. We were all living in the "honeymoon stage" of pre/post adoption. The kids continued to animatedly chat about the cruise and wanting to do it again.

RAD paused and said "Mom we were happy but you cried with the judge on 'gotcha day'." He didn't understand! This whole time he thought I cried at the hearing because I had to adopt him. He thought I was sad. The tears were happy tears because I so desperately wanted to adopt children. We had a long heart to heart talk about "happy tears" vs "sad tears". This entire time he thought I was sad because of him and his brother. How awful! The rest of the time we talked things went pretty good. They started to talk some more about their bad mom and started to ask me questions. I knew the day would come. Just have to keep the answers PG for now. I have to give them some kind of closure. I tread very careful but I know it is important for them to get it out and not hold it in. Can't tell them who she really is. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't have that answer.

Dinner time brought a new issue for my RAD. I remember telling Christine Moer's in the beginning, nope didn't have to deal with that, ooo yep hope that never happens to me, uh uh not there yet. Well guess what oh guru of the RAD (that's christine for those of you who don't know), I got another symptom. CRAP! Food hoarding/gorging. This time, new symptom and mommy already knows how she is going to handle it. Either I am getting better, I have read too much or I am awesome at making stuff up! Either one is good for me. RAD ate a bowl (large bowl) of pasta with sauce and fillet chunks. Then another. Then another. "Mom, I am still hungry!" Box of raisins. "Mom!!! I am so very hungry! I did not even eat lunch today! Oh well yea I had a sandwich but I was still hungry then!"

"Hmmmm. Well I think that you want to eat because you are scared. You are scared you will not get to eat again. And I know you love my cooking. You have had a lot today and I worry that if you have anymore your little tummy will feel really sick. I don't like you being sick. It makes me sad. I am going to let you have a small string cheese so that you know that I am telling you the truth and that you will get to eat again. Would you like a piece?"

"Yes ma'am" No sooner than he got the cheese did he take a big bite and proclaim he was so full and was afraid he may get sick if he ate more. He said he would be good until breakfast.

(go mommy... won another one..... go mommy your awesome)

The remainder of the evening went ok. RAD needed to strong sit before bed. That was a battle. It always is. If you ask something/anything of him he can't handle it and self regulation is not a common thing for him yet. We worked through it. My husband had the privilege to work through that battle. He needed too. He is not around much due to his job. He needs to be there and see what I see.

I went to bed last night feeling a little better than I have been. We talked. Like a normal family. We shared. We laughed. I know the closeness will scare him and hard times are yet to come. I will take my small victories where I can. Little win is better than no win at all.

Stay safe sisters.

My name is Mom and I had a RAD break through!

I am happier about this post than anything I have ever posted. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and make sure everyone hears me. Yes, "I" (THE MOM) had a breakthrough in RAD! I have begged, pleaded, prayed and questioned people until I am pretty sure they don't want to see my name pop up in an email or chat (you know who you are) asking for a time frame, a magical something as to when I would see a glimmer of hope.

I am proud to say that 2 1/2 months into my therapeutic parenting and being a new RAD mom, I saw the light. It was one win, a big one. Did angels come down and sing? Did balloons fill the air with confetti? Was anyone even there to witness it? NOPE but it happened and now there is no stopping me. I don't need a parade to know that my hard work will pay off.

Some of you know the background and some of you don't. Here is a little taste:

My RAD was hearing things (auditory hallucinations) (in addition to RAD my RAD has several other diagnosis that make healing pretty difficult sometimes), anyways, the things he was hearing was happening day and night. It was in his brain, no one else could hear it, trust me I tried! (I am terrified of him seeing and hearing things that are not there, it is another level of trauma I doubt I am 100% ready for). In his defense he placed several things in his ears to make the noise and voices go away. The obvious happened, mass infection, projectiles had to be removed followed by mass antibiotics and steroid drops (he damaged his ear drum pretty bad). This is not our first episode with placing things in our ears (hence why I seem so calm), however, at least I know why he does it!

The family was going to swim and have fun, obviously my RAD could not get his ear wet. We tried to have still time in the pool just hanging out so he could join. I played games with them like dancing (partnered tango --hahaha touch game, I got to touch him and he didn't realize it so he didn't fight it!) That worked for a brief time and we had to go inside. My RAD was angry because he wanted to swim and play. A brief reminder that we would when he was all healed up was all I said and walked away (I am getting good at walking away). He tried REAL hard to have a good moment with the family and do another activity. Well trauma said no (we had had a really good day) and POOF! Off to his room he went screaming bloody murder, kicking, throwing things, shouting "I hate you" "you are mean" (all the normal stuff). I let him go, door slamming and all, to his room for a moment. (lonely kid time) After about 2-3 minutes I went upstairs and asked him "Honey are you still wanting to be lonely kid or do you want to come back and be family kid again. Family kid was having fun." He put his hands over his ears (normal behavior). I got brave people, I went for it and here is how it ended:

"Honey I know you want to be a family kid and I am here for you no matter what you decide but I think that you want to be a family kid and I think that your hurt part wants you to be lonely. Fighting your hurt part is hard but I will sit with you and try to help you. Your family loves you, all of you" (then I shut my mouth. I waited for the fists, the biting, LORD the shoes to hit me in the head.....10 seconds felt like a lifetime)

He started to sob, not the fake stuff, not crocodile tears, no people real tears! Real tears! This is the first time I have seem real tears from this child! He laid his head over towards me and sobbed "I love my family, I don't want to be a lonely kid anymore, I want my family to love me"

I cried right along with him. We hugged and felt emotion together, RAW EMOTION in the same room as each other, no barriers, no bad mom thoughts, just us.

It was powerful! It was the first of many triumphs I am ready to make. I can do this. YOU can do this. So I leave you with this......

It will not always rain, it will not always shine. Keep your faith, stay strong, breaking this disease takes time.