Lonely Kid vs Family Kid

The holiday weekend went ok. My RAD is not near as far along in his healing as others so we are still having the ups and downs.

It was very hard considering the "buzz in the air" about the 4th and what we normally do. Too much of a buzz to keep it away from my little RAD. I have been very good at keeping our plans in my head and springing them out the minute we arrive somewhere. It has helped with the control factor and the melts if he does not have time to react and ponder ways to make everyone miserable. I don't think his goal is to make everyone miserable I think he feels miserable at times (shame) and doesn't want to be the odd man out. Having time to think about the exciting things we are going to do those is not good. Idle brain for my RAD is a bad move! I try to keep his days full and rounded. We do everything from chores to fun stuff to the obvious attachment therapy exercises. The one thing that I noticed this weekend is that control and care is slipping out of my RAD's hands. My RAD could care less who is watching him melt and scream and kick. If he gets at least one person to pay attention or look at him, man let the show begin!! It gets almost Oscar award winning then.


This weekend was a fun filled, pool side, badminton, volleyball, cooking out, fireworks filled weekend! We "partied" the entire weekend with our close friends and family. It was a blast for all who attended. The first day was pretty good. Minor outburst but nothing too big. The second day, well that was a different story. See my sweet son was aloud to have fun and he felt big feelings and closeness to his family that day. Family kid had a blast. Lonely kid, He didn't like that at all. Lonely kid is what we call our trauma. It seems to be a safe way to talk about trauma and what it does to our son without really setting him off. We almost talk about Lonely kid like he is a different person. BECAUSE HE IS! The point is Family kid (my sweet son) wants to be with his family. He wants to have fun. He wants to be close and feel safe. He wants to be just like everyone else. He just has to defeat Lonely kid. Sounds simple enough right? WRONG! This Lonely kid is sneaky, manipulative and well down right mean. Family kid has been practicing yelling at Lonely kid. He will tell it "Lonely kid, go away!" Sometimes when I encourage him to yell at Lonely kid and I stomp my foot and shake my fist and tell the Lonely kid to leave my baby alone he laughs (cause I look crazy!) Sometimes he joins in with me and we fight it together. Either way, we (my trauma son and I-together) are fighting something and prevailing. After the fight is over and he is still safe and I am still standing there we go back to the rest of the Family and join in.


Lonely kid vs Family kid

Family Kid will win!


Lonely kid rages and since he is comfortable with all of the people and family around him he could care less who gets hurt in front of him. Yesterday was a great example. Lonely kid had a few watchers in the crowd and decided to rage and attempt to attack mom. Thankfully my fellow cookout companions all knew the situation and pretended not to notice, looked away or kept going with what they were doing. Lonely kid did not get the reaction he hoped for. I calmly picked up my little rager (he seriously could not stay where he was attacking me) and we walked inside. Everyone that was inside quickly went outside. My little rager continued to shout, scream, sling nasty names and try to kick me. Did not affect me at all. I went to the kitchen (within eye and ear shot) and continued to prepare food for the soon to arrive party goers. Once he realized everyone outside was having a good time and not paying attention to him and mom was humming to herself fixing food he calmed down. When I was done with MY task I went over to him and sat down next to him. I didn't say a word. He quietly said "Lonely kid go away". I asked him if he needed my help to be strong and he said no (no in a good way, not yelling) and he louder proclaimed "Lonely kid I said go away!" I congratulated him on being strong and we briefly talked about how hard it was to do sometimes. I asked him if Family kid wanted to play and he said he did. The remainder of the day went well. We played together, swam together and had a blast. He played with other children, older and younger, other adults and maintained a level of self regulation. Family kid was winning! He had a few times where he started to briefly spin up and he got out of the pool and walked around in a few circles, took a deep breath and got back in the pool. (I didn't hear him but maybe he was telling lonely kid to get out all by himself!)


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I see rays of hope that let me know he is not a lost cause. It is hard not to get frustrated with the life you have been dealt (while in the moment) but then you take a breath yourself and realize that you were given this child for a reason and you are the best shot he has at normal and happy times and you chin up and press on. This week is all about pressing on. Taking the beating (sometimes more visible than others) and pressing on.

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I have been kicked, bitten, beaten, scratched, cut and bruised. I have been spat upon, cursed at and told I was nothing. I have been punched and pushed and tripped down the stairs. I have had my hair pulled, my things ruined and my heart broken. I am still here. I still stand, sometimes wobbly but stronger than before.



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I have attached an extra link of tips/tricks and lite reading to remind you that you are not alone and there is hope for your family.