So, what happens when you have 1 RAD and 2 non RADS, a mom, a dad, 3 dogs and a bird in the same house?......come on you can guess right?!
Ok fine you give up?
Its called a SLAVE. Look it up. SLAVE, tell me do you see your picture when you look it up? I sure do!
All RAD moms reading this know that Mother's Day, a day that is supposed to fill you with warm feelings and smiles is a day of grief for some of us, fear for others. How many of you have suffered the rage of RAD on mother's day? How many of you have wondered if today was the day you would have to fight to be safe? I know I have. Every step to a breakthrough is a step back. Every feeling of emotion is a step back....it happens but I know one day we will leap forward. I know it because I feel it. I have faith. I have knowledge. I have determination. and damnit I am too stubborn to let this trauma beat me! So, RAD moms who had a crappy mother's day due to trauma, stand up and yell, take a vow, scream, cry, whatever, make a mark in the sand now that it will not whip you!
Ok now that we have assembled with our pitch forks and torches :)
Let me tell you what my hubby did for me on Father's Day. Typical father's day. Church, nice lunch with relatives and home for some family fun. Dad's present? No arguing/fighting/etc. (you all know that didn't last but 5 minutes but hey 5 minutes without is better than nothing!) Anyways, dinner time. Daddy is doing what he was required to do, hold down the couch cushions for fear they will float away! Mom was making dinner, sushi....everyone's favorite!
Good ol' trauma was rearing its ugly head. RAD wanted to be fed now! (baby demands in my earlier post). The emotions started brewing little by little, creeping in, I tried to ignore it, I tried to distract it and save our family from the fight....I tried really hard! My hubby none the wiser.
The children were eating, the hubby was eating and before I finished rolling my sushi to finally eat I was met with demands "I'm hungry still" "I'm done" "I wanna get down from the table" I held my own and calmly asked them to wait. That went over like a champ! (NOT) I had enough. I had just finished my roll but I was not hungry. I was tired of being the slave. IT all caught me at the same moment and my emotions were spent. Every time I am inches away from doing something I want or need, I am whisked away to take care of RAD. (I can give you examples but think of doing something you need to do, let's take going to bathroom. You head to the potty and they jump in front of you because they need water right now, need food, need the potty, anything to stop you from tending to your needs-that IS MY LIFE). I could feel my mind spinning and my emotions freaking out, my eyes started to blur....I set my plate with my food down and said here you want my food? The smirk from the both children was sickening! RAD won and as always takes the form of a happy wicked looking creature. (seriously, has your child every looked at you and you got the chills like a demon was going to attack? please know you are not alone!)
I walked out but what I didn't see is that my hubby was standing behind the other doorway, watching this event unfold. He sprung into action, I never saw him, never paid attention, honestly by that time, didn't care. I allowed his day to be ruined and I felt like crap. I walked right out the front door and didn't look back. I didn't leave but I wanted too. I didn't cry but I wanted too. I felt like I couldn't show anymore emotion because I just screwed up. I showed RAD it got to me. The realization of knowing I just made my life dealing with this trauma worse made me want to vomit. I'm only human though, right? I spent the next 10 minutes outside thinking. My hubby came out to check on me. He knew I was not in a good place. He didn't say much. He hugged me, thanked me and told me this was going to change.
We went inside and he ordered me to sit on the couch. I looked at him like he had some nerve but this was in front of the kids so I complied. For the next hour (give or take) the children, all of the children, had to serve me. SERVE ME! They brought me dinner, a napkin, water, desert, etc. Everything. They had to clean my dishes and do whatever I wanted. The entire time my husband telling them how mommy's are special because they do things because they love you, not because they have too. Funniest part? My youngest had to pee really really bad. He had his legs crossed and doing the pee pee dance the entire time. My husband told him he had to tend to my needs before he tended to his own. That is what they expected out of mommy. The message was read loud and clear my friends!
My hubby said ok boys you are relieved of duty but I think maybe we should do this more often and take care of mommy. The kids hated the idea but it made for some serious attention on mommy and it made its mark in trauma therapy in our house for sure.
He doesn't have to love me. He doesn't know what that is.
Ok fine you give up?
Its called a SLAVE. Look it up. SLAVE, tell me do you see your picture when you look it up? I sure do!
All RAD moms reading this know that Mother's Day, a day that is supposed to fill you with warm feelings and smiles is a day of grief for some of us, fear for others. How many of you have suffered the rage of RAD on mother's day? How many of you have wondered if today was the day you would have to fight to be safe? I know I have. Every step to a breakthrough is a step back. Every feeling of emotion is a step back....it happens but I know one day we will leap forward. I know it because I feel it. I have faith. I have knowledge. I have determination. and damnit I am too stubborn to let this trauma beat me! So, RAD moms who had a crappy mother's day due to trauma, stand up and yell, take a vow, scream, cry, whatever, make a mark in the sand now that it will not whip you!
Ok now that we have assembled with our pitch forks and torches :)
Let me tell you what my hubby did for me on Father's Day. Typical father's day. Church, nice lunch with relatives and home for some family fun. Dad's present? No arguing/fighting/etc. (you all know that didn't last but 5 minutes but hey 5 minutes without is better than nothing!) Anyways, dinner time. Daddy is doing what he was required to do, hold down the couch cushions for fear they will float away! Mom was making dinner, sushi....everyone's favorite!
Good ol' trauma was rearing its ugly head. RAD wanted to be fed now! (baby demands in my earlier post). The emotions started brewing little by little, creeping in, I tried to ignore it, I tried to distract it and save our family from the fight....I tried really hard! My hubby none the wiser.
The children were eating, the hubby was eating and before I finished rolling my sushi to finally eat I was met with demands "I'm hungry still" "I'm done" "I wanna get down from the table" I held my own and calmly asked them to wait. That went over like a champ! (NOT) I had enough. I had just finished my roll but I was not hungry. I was tired of being the slave. IT all caught me at the same moment and my emotions were spent. Every time I am inches away from doing something I want or need, I am whisked away to take care of RAD. (I can give you examples but think of doing something you need to do, let's take going to bathroom. You head to the potty and they jump in front of you because they need water right now, need food, need the potty, anything to stop you from tending to your needs-that IS MY LIFE). I could feel my mind spinning and my emotions freaking out, my eyes started to blur....I set my plate with my food down and said here you want my food? The smirk from the both children was sickening! RAD won and as always takes the form of a happy wicked looking creature. (seriously, has your child every looked at you and you got the chills like a demon was going to attack? please know you are not alone!)
I walked out but what I didn't see is that my hubby was standing behind the other doorway, watching this event unfold. He sprung into action, I never saw him, never paid attention, honestly by that time, didn't care. I allowed his day to be ruined and I felt like crap. I walked right out the front door and didn't look back. I didn't leave but I wanted too. I didn't cry but I wanted too. I felt like I couldn't show anymore emotion because I just screwed up. I showed RAD it got to me. The realization of knowing I just made my life dealing with this trauma worse made me want to vomit. I'm only human though, right? I spent the next 10 minutes outside thinking. My hubby came out to check on me. He knew I was not in a good place. He didn't say much. He hugged me, thanked me and told me this was going to change.
We went inside and he ordered me to sit on the couch. I looked at him like he had some nerve but this was in front of the kids so I complied. For the next hour (give or take) the children, all of the children, had to serve me. SERVE ME! They brought me dinner, a napkin, water, desert, etc. Everything. They had to clean my dishes and do whatever I wanted. The entire time my husband telling them how mommy's are special because they do things because they love you, not because they have too. Funniest part? My youngest had to pee really really bad. He had his legs crossed and doing the pee pee dance the entire time. My husband told him he had to tend to my needs before he tended to his own. That is what they expected out of mommy. The message was read loud and clear my friends!
My hubby said ok boys you are relieved of duty but I think maybe we should do this more often and take care of mommy. The kids hated the idea but it made for some serious attention on mommy and it made its mark in trauma therapy in our house for sure.
He doesn't have to love me. He doesn't know what that is.
He doesn't have to like me.
He doesn't have to trust me.
He doesn't respect me.
He does none of these things and I wonder when he will.
......But he WILL in his own time and until then he will know that I love him. Ask him. He will tell you that. "I know my mom loves me." He just can't love me back.........yet
Love Love Love this! I think we should try it! And, yes, I do know the "look" you were talking about. Thank you for letting me know I am not crazy. I cannot tell you what your blog has done for me just in the last two days. Praying for you today.
ReplyDeleteWow Kendall, Thanks for the encouragement. I was pretty sure no one was reading but I had hopes that I could help someone.
ReplyDeleteI can SO relate. Don't doubt that you are an encouragement!! I just found your blog from the ATN group post. I am also familiar with the demon-possessed look that makes you wonder if you should forget therapy and call for an exocism instead. I have added your blog to my favs and will be reading often.
ReplyDelete