Today I cried....

This is not my usual post because I am not my ususal self. I consider myself to be relatively strong and independent. Not today. Today my friends, I cried.

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I cried for the child that does not know love and therefore cannot return it to me

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I cried because he is so hard to love at times and I blame myself for not trying hard enough

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I cried because I feel alone and sometimes feel hopeless

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I cried for the lack of help and understanding our RAD and our families get from strangers

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I cried for the lack of support in our local communities and schools

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I cried for all the other moms and dads of RAD and their perils

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I cried for the lost dream of the perfect adopted family

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For the first time since I began this journey, I cried for me.

Only one problem, when the tears started I had held them in too long. They didn't stop. It took me nearly two hours to gain my composure after I started. My episode started when I was meeting with a financial counselor at the Christian school to get my son enrolled. My son does not thrive in a traditional school setting as I am sure most of you experience with RAD kids. This was my last shot at a decent education to surround my son by people who would love him and teach him while understanding that he does not learn the same way as other children. You see we don't qualify for the scholarships, financial aide, state help, nothing. Doesn't matter that we are not able to pay for tuition, we are simply not "destitute" enough. In the face of a lady that didn't seem like she understood or even cared and while I quietly listened to my son's hope for educational success slip away.... I lost it. I lost my composure and started to cry. For those of your who know me personally most of you have to think real hard as to the last time you saw me tear up. I am pretty sure I shocked the financial administrator by my emotion but I didn't care. I let her finish, sniffled and held my head up high. I grabbed my paperwork, stood up straight and walked out of her office with all I have left, my strong will to get help for my son.

I held it until I got to my car and then I let go. Let go all the emotion I have bottled for so long. Most RAD moms know we can't show that kind of raw emotion for fear of the reprecusions so we hide. We hide in bathrooms, we hide in closets, we silently cry ourselves to sleep when we think know one is watching. You are not alone.

So RAD moms and dads I leave you with this. Your journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Know this and remember it when you are in the trenches. Roll up your sleeves and do what you were chosen to do. Remember to pray for each other, comfort through emails, phone calls, whatever means necessary but stick together. All we have is each other and support is the greatest gift we can give each other.