I am happier about this post than anything I have ever posted. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and make sure everyone hears me. Yes, "I" (THE MOM) had a breakthrough in RAD! I have begged, pleaded, prayed and questioned people until I am pretty sure they don't want to see my name pop up in an email or chat (you know who you are) asking for a time frame, a magical something as to when I would see a glimmer of hope.
I am proud to say that 2 1/2 months into my therapeutic parenting and being a new RAD mom, I saw the light. It was one win, a big one. Did angels come down and sing? Did balloons fill the air with confetti? Was anyone even there to witness it? NOPE but it happened and now there is no stopping me. I don't need a parade to know that my hard work will pay off.
Some of you know the background and some of you don't. Here is a little taste:
My RAD was hearing things (auditory hallucinations) (in addition to RAD my RAD has several other diagnosis that make healing pretty difficult sometimes), anyways, the things he was hearing was happening day and night. It was in his brain, no one else could hear it, trust me I tried! (I am terrified of him seeing and hearing things that are not there, it is another level of trauma I doubt I am 100% ready for). In his defense he placed several things in his ears to make the noise and voices go away. The obvious happened, mass infection, projectiles had to be removed followed by mass antibiotics and steroid drops (he damaged his ear drum pretty bad). This is not our first episode with placing things in our ears (hence why I seem so calm), however, at least I know why he does it!
The family was going to swim and have fun, obviously my RAD could not get his ear wet. We tried to have still time in the pool just hanging out so he could join. I played games with them like dancing (partnered tango --hahaha touch game, I got to touch him and he didn't realize it so he didn't fight it!) That worked for a brief time and we had to go inside. My RAD was angry because he wanted to swim and play. A brief reminder that we would when he was all healed up was all I said and walked away (I am getting good at walking away). He tried REAL hard to have a good moment with the family and do another activity. Well trauma said no (we had had a really good day) and POOF! Off to his room he went screaming bloody murder, kicking, throwing things, shouting "I hate you" "you are mean" (all the normal stuff). I let him go, door slamming and all, to his room for a moment. (lonely kid time) After about 2-3 minutes I went upstairs and asked him "Honey are you still wanting to be lonely kid or do you want to come back and be family kid again. Family kid was having fun." He put his hands over his ears (normal behavior). I got brave people, I went for it and here is how it ended:
"Honey I know you want to be a family kid and I am here for you no matter what you decide but I think that you want to be a family kid and I think that your hurt part wants you to be lonely. Fighting your hurt part is hard but I will sit with you and try to help you. Your family loves you, all of you" (then I shut my mouth. I waited for the fists, the biting, LORD the shoes to hit me in the head.....10 seconds felt like a lifetime)
He started to sob, not the fake stuff, not crocodile tears, no people real tears! Real tears! This is the first time I have seem real tears from this child! He laid his head over towards me and sobbed "I love my family, I don't want to be a lonely kid anymore, I want my family to love me"
I cried right along with him. We hugged and felt emotion together, RAW EMOTION in the same room as each other, no barriers, no bad mom thoughts, just us.
It was powerful! It was the first of many triumphs I am ready to make. I can do this. YOU can do this. So I leave you with this......
It will not always rain, it will not always shine. Keep your faith, stay strong, breaking this disease takes time.
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