Touching the untouchable

This particular topic hits close to home for me. The reading on RAD always talks about touch, contact, cuddling, baby swaddling and touching a child to get to their heart. Sounds good right? Touch is a key component in life, we would all die without it. Great concept.

So, what do you do if you have a child that is untouchable? For RAD families who have experienced this you know what I mean. For those of you that have been able to touch your child I applaud you! Seriously! You don't know how much farther you are on your way to recovery than some of us. For families in both situations ask yourself these questions:

-Has your child ever ran from you when you tried to touch them?

-Has your child ever shook (almost seizure like) when you walk near them or give the threat of a hug?

-Would your child rather be in pain than have you near them?

-Would your child rather wallow in vomit than have your help?

-Would your child rather have that splinter jammed in their finger than have you remove it? If you convince them to let you remove it do they stare at you with absolute hate and disgust?

-Does your child ever write or draw pictures that do not include you in the family?

-Does your child try to kick you when you are near?

-Does your child hug other adults while smirking and staring at you mouthing the words "I hate you"?

-Does the thought of trying to reach out and touch your child frighten you or make you ill?

If this is you then I can say I know what you are going through. I understand what it is like to live with a child that truly hates you and everything you stand for. Sad part is, they would probably have liked you in a different life not affected by trauma. For starters don't take it personal. You are not the object of their hatred, although it seems that way. The trauma is talking and sometimes it is so deafening the child can't breathe or think.

Now that we have decided what group you are in I am going to share a few things with you to help you "touch" that child without them knowing! This is all based on my experience so please let me know if you have any ideas or if anything listed has worked for you. Keep in mind I have 3 children, only 1 radish and all of the things listed below I did alone (hubby working). It is possible to have a great time playing the role or being a single parent.

Outdoors:

Eye Spy. This game is great to use with trauma kids and your non-trauma kids. Everyone can join. Make it simple enough but "spy" something on you. A button, drawstring, something, even your eyes and giggle when they say "silly you cant see your own eyes!"

If you have boys:

Dig in the dirt and build a mini city. Let them name buildings and locations and find out what they would put in their own city. This is great insight into what they think. When you are done (be messy now, doesn't work if you are clean!) Stand up and "Phew, running a city is HARD work! You are great at it. I need a break and a snack"

Pool-Squish the Frog. For the younger kids, (I did this with my RADish who is 8) I grabbed my 5 year old and sat him on my lap and we bounced in the water saying "ribbit, ribbit, ribbit...squash (at which point I would dunk him or he would get a tickle)! After about 3 times of this my radish said he wanted to be squashed. Touch, laughter and eye contact in the same game.

Pool-Dance Competition: My kids love to dance and listen to music. I showed them the art of dance to include the waltz, tango, etc. Again, partnered dance, tons of laughs, touch and eye contact. We kept switching partners to keep the mood lite and the laughs flowing.

Sprinkler Race: If you don't have a pool, don't worry. Get a sprinkler and have good old fashioned fun like we did as kids. Ring around the rosy, chase, tag, anything to get the blood flowing and the giggles going.

Indoors:

The many faces of me! We make faces back and forth. I scrunch my face up and say "this is my mad face" "Can you make one" Normally they are laughing so hard they fall over. They start making the faces and we have eye contact and giggles.

Paint a wall: We have decided to paint my RAD's room with soft mint greens and ocean blues to help give him a calm environment. We are taking the colors and using our hands (everyone in the family) making swirls and waves over the base coat. My RAD loves it and the entire family gets to join in and have fun. He is proud of it.

Read: This is great and can be very useful. Read a story and make all the great voices that go long with it. My RAD started off on the opposite side of the room. As the story gets further along and better, he keeps getting a bit closer. One day he will sit in my lap and let me read :)

Those are just a few ideas. If you are lucky and your RAD decides to hug you without acting wonky, do it. I tell my RAD every day "ok I am going to hug you". (my time, my terms because my RAD is a control obsessive) I ask him stand and I hug him. If he gives me a one arm hug I pretend I am going to fall over. I have actually have fallen over and pretended to convulse on the floor. Sometimes I get giggles, sometimes he almost acts worried. (think I am hoping he is worried) Other times he is disgusted with me. All in stride.

Remember laughter makes the heart swell and accepting. Good moments with lots of giggles will not only help you deal with the rages but it will establish a foundation to grow on!