Well if it was YOUR party that would be different!
So yesterday marked the 6th birthday of my youngest (non RAD) son. He is the bio brother to my RAD. Stinks for me because my babies are growing up. Oh well. However, I can say with certainty I will be prepared for and happy to welcome retirement and the "empty nest" syndrome-provided I ever get it. (haha most of you also fantasize about that)
My point is that RAD stinks, we all know that. We work through it. Sometimes you just can't help it or give the appearance that everything will be ok.
We have not had my 6 year old's birthday yet, that is this weekend and likely a disaster. I am not setting myself up for failure but I am realistic. RAD will try to take the day over. He gets scared, really scared at family happiness and family closeness. He is not healing yet and has a long way to go. I don't know that he "wants" to heal yet. Tell me I am crazy thinking that please. He does not do well in a birthday environment especially when it is a brother "getting everything" and "I never get anything". The self entitlement runs wild. It is hard to celebrate when you feel like you have to explain everything.
So DON'T, right?! Say what you need to say and move on. Go outside and search for the pink elephant that just flew by the window. Go search for the rock or find your "silly". Trust me I have tried it all.
I only give my RAD what he needs and what I feel he needs at the time (some of you may disagree but this is what works for me right now):
1. Love
(not the over dramatic fake love, real love, the love that only a mother's eyes can give. I never get too pushy with him because he will shut down immediately)
2. Understanding
(these events are hard)
3. Safety
(I know you are confused and it is my job to keep you safe. Here is what is going to happen. Everyone will be safe. Our family will still be intact after the festivities. You will not be forgotten)
4. Love
(did I mention that?)
5. Discussion
(lightly tread. I ask questions that don't necessarily have an answer. "These big feelings are sure scary sometimes, huh" I know I get big feelings" "Wonder where you feel yours?" "Is it in your tummy, your chest, your brain?" "Man I wish I could help because it makes me so sad to see you sad" ......and I walk away to the other side of the room. Sometimes he wants to talk more. Sometimes he wants me to just sit next to him and ramble or sit quietly)
6. Room
(sometimes I have no choice but to give him room and wait for him to calm down)
I have to tread careful at times, other times I can push the envelope. When dealing with social issues that spot light a sibling, we have problems in the home. I know there is always healthy competition amongst siblings but it can get ridiculous in my house. I am trying to take a new approach lately rather than keep him guessing and spring things on him. I am trying to talk to him. I saw a lot before I let him flee or get a word in edgewise. For now it seems to have stifled some of the more serious rages.
After the very minimalized birthday plans and “happy birthday honey” to his younger brother, my RAD decided when it was time for bed to show out. He didn’t want to go to bed or do anything. Instead, he chose to start biting his finger “I am gonna bite it off” OWW!” My little 6 year old came in my room, “Mommy mommy he is trying to bite his finger off and I think he will do it!” Crap, terror from my non-RAD. After explaining very quickly that his brother was fine and his fingers would not fall off I kissed the littlest one and put him back to bed. (mind you the entire time I could hear my RAD in his room say “I’m gonna do it! Hear me! You get that?! Owwie”). I had to think, how was I going to stop this without making it worse? He was nowhere near being regulated! I walked in and here is how it went….
“Whatcha doin? Biting your finger off? Never seen that before. Let me know how that works for ya.”
Sounds harsh I know. Closed the door and sat outside his door while whispering with my 6 year old. “It’s ok. He just wants a reaction. Get some sleep, mom will keep him safe.” As you all know if we have to stand outside that door all night we will. If we have to charge into Hell with nothing more than a squirt gun-well we will. I sat for a few moments and he was quiet. A few moments more and he started the threat of biting his finger off. I quietly went into his room and sat next to him. I examined his finger after he stopped biting it. Mind you he was really chomping on it when I went in. He became more aggressive about biting it since I was there. He had an audience. After the exam was done I left the room.
Now, for the middle of that event. I told him I knew he was scared but I did not know why. I would like for him to tell me one day when he feels strong to do it. I told him that he was scared enough to want to hurt himself and that made me sad. It is my job to keep you safe and you know I take my job serious. If you cannot stop hurting yourself I will have to help keep you safe. I will let you make that decision for yourself but you need to make it now. He looked at me puzzled and stopped biting (just long enough for me to catch his attention). I told him the big feelings are scary and as adults we get scared too but if he did not show me or tell me what made him hurt I could not help him. I told him that I would sit with him a few minutes and make sure that he was safe and I would check on him all night to make sure that he was safe. He agreed that he would not hurt himself anymore that night. I think he wanted me to leave and he knew if he kept it up I wasn’t going anywhere. Small battle I know but he still has all 10 fingers today.
Find the humor in your children, in your job as their mother, otherwise they will run you down.
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