We have talked a lot about "pre-RAD" friends or "pre-adoption" friends. Most of my new online friends have a hard time counting their friends on one hand that are "pre-adoption". It's ok. We have difficult lives and at time difficult children. Social setting are scary with a RAD. Well with my RAD they are down right terrifying at times. My oldest gets embarrassed when his friends try to visit. (hate that I can't fix that but he needs to deal with it too).
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Last night a "pre-adoption" friend decided to come over to project with me. We love to project at weird times with little planning. We ended up making her visit purely social. Main point, she brought some of her children. Not a big deal, my kids like her kids but my RAD was really on it before she and the kids arrived so I needed to be on my toes. RAD knew mom's friend and her kids were going to come visit and he was not excited one bit. We had spent some time before our visitors arrived that stressed him a bit. We had one of those moments where I was pushing the envelope on connecting with him. We all try it. Can't miss a golden opportunity to touch my kid's heart-I took what I could get.
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The usual getting the night's meal together was in order and a question/answer session began. My youngest is very curious and asks a ton of questions about family. He is trying to make sure he fits. He is/wants to be very attached to me. Almost too attached at times. I don't let it go overboard but I will say I am human and having a child love me rather than me trying to get a child to love me is awesome. It's like the way normal families are. (haha) All the love that RAD refuses, little one pours on me when we are alone. I do not show favorites. I have alone time with each child as often as I can and I mold the level of nurture, attention and affection to what the child needs or is willing to have with me.
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During the course of this great conversation and trying to include RAD, he is screaming bloody murder. I mean seriously communicating with bats here! He is mad at me. Mad at life. Hates me. Hates life. Wants to be a grown up so he can "get me back." Not sure what that means but I am not going to even think on it now. (kid scares me sometimes) He is upset because I won't let him have something he wants. Something he has never asked for mind you. Something that has never crossed his mind but now, right now he wants it because it is close and it "should be mine cause I never get anything!" My neighbor, God bless her giving heart, has 2 boys bigger than mine. We play pass down the stuff. Well when we pass the stuff around it is normally clothes. She didn't think anything about it to "pass down" a bag of stuff containing Heelys. Yup, Heelys, roller skate shoes. When I found them (after RAD was very aware they were there and screaming they were his) it rushed memories back to friends and my own bio-son when these things came out. Broken arms, bruised tail bones....and those were on the feet of responsible kids. There is no way in the world I am giving my dare-devil, play in traffic, jump off bunk beds RAD a set of Heelys. We have been fortunate so far to keep the hospital visits to a minimum! So the point-no Heelys! They don't fit him or anyone in my house anyways. Try rationalizing that to a totally disregulated RAD. Call me when YOUR bruises heal :)
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Amongst the hysteria I am still trying to have a conversation with my youngest. He is very curious these days and he just had his birthday (party this weekend) and family events bring up a lot of questions for him. He told me he wanted to make a birthday wish. His wish was that he was 3 years old this birthday which meant he was not in foster care, not with his bad mom, not sad and he could be my baby. He said if he could not be my real baby from my tummy then he would settle for my baby when he was taken away from his bad mom. Broke my heart. Poor little guy. I told him he was my real baby and always would be no matter how big he got. He said if he could have been my baby I could have rocked him. I grabbed him up and sat in the rocking chair with him snuggling. I told him I was all grown up and still to this day if I see my mom sitting in a rocking chair I climb in her lap. Always my baby. We cuddled and rocked, he played with my hair, made eye contact, smiled, all the things a toddler would do. I wanted this contact so bad with my RAD but he is not ready. That's ok. I am patient. The entire time RAD was looking on (no longer raging) confused and wondering what his little brother and I were doing. I saw him and asked him to come sit next to us so we could finish our talk. He huffed and stomped but complied. Flopped in the chair like he had a lead brick attached to his butt, but he complied. (little wins Brandy, little wins) The youngest made another comment about being a real baby which gave me a great opportunity to show just how close we all were.
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So W (my RAD) remember the other day we talked about all the kids in the whole world and we chose you guys? Do you remember how I told you God had to have put us together? He said he understood and asked what that had to do with anything. I asked his brother to look at his eyes. He looked and said "what mom?" I asked again, "what do you see when you look at W's eyes? You see dad." I asked RAD what he saw when he looked at his brother's eyes. (this one scared me because I have wondered if my RAD sees his bad mom when he looks at his brother, never had that question answered but it explains a lot of the rage towards his brother) After a long deliberation he said he saw my eyes. (maybe that is just as bad-don't know). I told them both "Exactly!" We did the same thing with hair, the same! This had to be a God thing guys because I am good but I am not that good! They both laughed and the little one snuggled back up for rocking. My RAD looked at me funny and I asked him if he would like to rock with me. He quickly said 'No way!" I told him maybe in time but I would like to rock with him. He didn't respond. I told him that we could make a deal that maybe one day he would rock with me. He said he could deal on "maybes". We fist bumped and the deal was made. He walked away smiling.
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Family Closeness, scary stuff. Tread easy.
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After the exchange with my boys the friend and her kids came for a visit. It was not that bad but my RAD had an audience and he used that to his advantage. He had a VERY fresh mouth. "Shut the .." "Shut your fat mouth" "I don't care" "Shut the..you get that?" He doesn't curse yet but he sure does give the impression he knows the words and where to place them in a sentence! My friend was gracious enough to do what I had asked her. Ignore it, continue on. No attention to the behavior. He kids did not seem too effected either PHEW! I feel like I handled the situation pretty well and despite the fact that my friend totally understood and has research RAD so she doesn't screw up (gotta love loyalty like that!) I am still embarrassed. I hate how it makes me feel. You know, the looks in the store "bad mom, whip his butt!" "talk to me like that? I would slap him" It is not that I care what they think, it is the fact that I have a child I raised from birth to 11 that is very polite, respectful, etc and I can't walk around with a banner that says- HEY GUESS WHAT DIDN'T GET HIM TIL HE WAS ALMOST 6, EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR, I DIDN'T RAISE HIM! But that doesn't mean I don't want too. I am trying to let go of that. I am a work in progress. So, for the time being I just laugh about it. Not in front of him but to myself. Laugh instead of cry. Laugh because I NEVER expected my life to become this........
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