I am trying to change things up and continue to parent with pizazz. Sometimes when your emotional cup is drained it is hard to be creative. I am learning daily to keep my cup full. Little things do it for me. I remember a smile at the grocery store, someone letting me cut in traffic, a friend saying something silly on FaceBook, watching a smiling family cross the street to the park. You know, stuff we take for granted. I feel like the last week I have had a need to focus some time on me. I steal every moment I can to try to re-fill my cup. Renew my spirit. I encourage you to find your "free refill station."
***
I spent reflection time on the drive home and when I arrived at home I made up my mind. I have to change the dynamic. I walked in and my youngest was sitting on the couch watching TV. My middle (RAD) was at the dining room table zoning out. I greeted both kids and turned off the TV. I asked them what they had done for the day and my RAD had done extra chores to earn money. I walked with him and my other son so he could show me his work. He did a great job. I gave him high five (not making a huge deal out of it but a big deal). Told him thanks for the good work. He was pleased with himself and came and hugged me. Odd behavior for him and usually starts the prelude to a meltdown. I went to the kitchen to cook for the night and he followed. My youngest went back to the living room to plop in front of the TV. I walked in to the living room and said, "Nope, no TV. I am going to cook and I would love some company." They both smiled and followed me to the kitchen. We had about 30 minutes of chatting. Getting to know each other's day, easy and comfortable chatting. It was a nice break from the normal evening exchange of hate and fear.
I started asking fantasy questions. What would you be if you could be anything when you grow up? Where would you live? If you could change one thing about your life what would it be? Some of the answers were funny. Some serious. RAD did not answer the questions completely. After about 5 minutes of more chatting about the day and random stuff RAD stopped the conversation. He said I know my answer now mom. I said answer to what hon? I know what I would change (brace yourself Brandy). "I would make us be on the boat forever and ever. We were so happy!" I agree with him. He is referring to the family cruise we took a month before the "gotcha day" for adoption was done. We already knew the kids were ours and we had a court date so we planned a cruise just before school started as our "gotcha day" memory. He was right. We were happy. We were all living in the "honeymoon stage" of pre/post adoption. The kids continued to animatedly chat about the cruise and wanting to do it again.
RAD paused and said "Mom we were happy but you cried with the judge on 'gotcha day'." He didn't understand! This whole time he thought I cried at the hearing because I had to adopt him. He thought I was sad. The tears were happy tears because I so desperately wanted to adopt children. We had a long heart to heart talk about "happy tears" vs "sad tears". This entire time he thought I was sad because of him and his brother. How awful! The rest of the time we talked things went pretty good. They started to talk some more about their bad mom and started to ask me questions. I knew the day would come. Just have to keep the answers PG for now. I have to give them some kind of closure. I tread very careful but I know it is important for them to get it out and not hold it in. Can't tell them who she really is. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't have that answer.
Dinner time brought a new issue for my RAD. I remember telling Christine Moer's in the beginning, nope didn't have to deal with that, ooo yep hope that never happens to me, uh uh not there yet. Well guess what oh guru of the RAD (that's christine for those of you who don't know), I got another symptom. CRAP! Food hoarding/gorging. This time, new symptom and mommy already knows how she is going to handle it. Either I am getting better, I have read too much or I am awesome at making stuff up! Either one is good for me. RAD ate a bowl (large bowl) of pasta with sauce and fillet chunks. Then another. Then another. "Mom, I am still hungry!" Box of raisins. "Mom!!! I am so very hungry! I did not even eat lunch today! Oh well yea I had a sandwich but I was still hungry then!"
"Hmmmm. Well I think that you want to eat because you are scared. You are scared you will not get to eat again. And I know you love my cooking. You have had a lot today and I worry that if you have anymore your little tummy will feel really sick. I don't like you being sick. It makes me sad. I am going to let you have a small string cheese so that you know that I am telling you the truth and that you will get to eat again. Would you like a piece?"
"Yes ma'am" No sooner than he got the cheese did he take a big bite and proclaim he was so full and was afraid he may get sick if he ate more. He said he would be good until breakfast.
(go mommy... won another one..... go mommy your awesome)
The remainder of the evening went ok. RAD needed to strong sit before bed. That was a battle. It always is. If you ask something/anything of him he can't handle it and self regulation is not a common thing for him yet. We worked through it. My husband had the privilege to work through that battle. He needed too. He is not around much due to his job. He needs to be there and see what I see.
I went to bed last night feeling a little better than I have been. We talked. Like a normal family. We shared. We laughed. I know the closeness will scare him and hard times are yet to come. I will take my small victories where I can. Little win is better than no win at all.
Stay safe sisters.
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