What a nasty title. What a horrible sounding group of words. Self-Mutilation mixed with RAD. YUK! We have been plagued with self-mutilation for quite some time. We have been in the ER more times than I care to tell you and for reasons I shudder when I think about. I wont gross you out with what we have seen but I am sure that you can imagine the horror.
It is not all about hurting mommy. It is about being "bad" and "unloved" and "gross". It is about not being good enough to receive love. It is about "why would they care" and "it feels better". It doesn't matter how much love mommy shows me or my family pours on me. "I am not worthy". I will hurt myself. They can't keep me safe anyways. They are not strong. I am strong.
Anyone else feel sick reading the above paragraph? It comes from the mind of my son. My precious little 8 year old son who can not see the flowers in bloom, can not see the smiles on faces, only feels anger and hatred and the all powerful SHAME.
Don't ask him why he does things. Half the time you get a lie. The other half. You don't really want his answer. Last night was another one of those nights. I didn't sleep much. I knew this morning would be a bad start. Secretly I wanted to rush out of the house for work like my husband gets to do. No dice mom. You have to confront all demons in the house.
I came home from a typical day at work to find out that my RADish had just attempted to stab his eye out with a pencil all because the nanny asked him to write a scripture (under my direction) to assist him with his potty talk mouth. Seriously she asked him to write on a pad and he didn't want to so the alternative was to stab himself in the eye. He was serious! She stopped him. What kind of trauma says "ok you won't give me my way I will stab my eye out!" Is anyone else feeling totally freaked out here? At this point restraint was the only option. The nanny did not do it. She was shocked. (which I totally understand and frankly was not real sure what to do myself). I called his therapist. She is not an attachment therapist but she knows the deal and has been a very big help. She said exactly what I didn't want to hear. "He doesn't feel safe if he can hurt himself and/or someone else" I avoid this topic because in the back of my mind I don't want to think that my kid is violent, but he is. I don't admit all that he does to me or other caregivers other than post it here to help other RAD parents. He is dangerous. He is getting bigger. It is time to pull up my big girl panties and get ready to deal with this issue. I seem to have a good handle on the other aspects of therapeutic parenting but it is almost like I refuse to believe that restraining him will help. Read Christine Moer's blog for today. She uses the hold and even vocalizes it to her children. (She is my inspiration - not that you can tell). She posted a video on her YouTube channel that shows the safe way to hold a raging child. Although I can not find it at the moment I will post it a bit later. It is my understanding that after you hold the raging child a few times it should subside. If that is not the case, let me live in my little world of ignorance for the moment, my brain needs a break.
Pray for our family as I will pray for yours. Maybe soon I will have the guts to post for you the real day to day life in my house. I have hours upon hours of recorded rages and really scary stuff from when I was trying to prove there was something different about my son. The camera rolled and most times he never knew it was there. I go back and watch those videos and wonder how I ever made it out. I bet he thinks the same thing about his former life.
We can't even begin to heal the trauma inside him until we attach. One step closer always means an entire city block backwards...
It is not all about hurting mommy. It is about being "bad" and "unloved" and "gross". It is about not being good enough to receive love. It is about "why would they care" and "it feels better". It doesn't matter how much love mommy shows me or my family pours on me. "I am not worthy". I will hurt myself. They can't keep me safe anyways. They are not strong. I am strong.
Anyone else feel sick reading the above paragraph? It comes from the mind of my son. My precious little 8 year old son who can not see the flowers in bloom, can not see the smiles on faces, only feels anger and hatred and the all powerful SHAME.
Don't ask him why he does things. Half the time you get a lie. The other half. You don't really want his answer. Last night was another one of those nights. I didn't sleep much. I knew this morning would be a bad start. Secretly I wanted to rush out of the house for work like my husband gets to do. No dice mom. You have to confront all demons in the house.
I came home from a typical day at work to find out that my RADish had just attempted to stab his eye out with a pencil all because the nanny asked him to write a scripture (under my direction) to assist him with his potty talk mouth. Seriously she asked him to write on a pad and he didn't want to so the alternative was to stab himself in the eye. He was serious! She stopped him. What kind of trauma says "ok you won't give me my way I will stab my eye out!" Is anyone else feeling totally freaked out here? At this point restraint was the only option. The nanny did not do it. She was shocked. (which I totally understand and frankly was not real sure what to do myself). I called his therapist. She is not an attachment therapist but she knows the deal and has been a very big help. She said exactly what I didn't want to hear. "He doesn't feel safe if he can hurt himself and/or someone else" I avoid this topic because in the back of my mind I don't want to think that my kid is violent, but he is. I don't admit all that he does to me or other caregivers other than post it here to help other RAD parents. He is dangerous. He is getting bigger. It is time to pull up my big girl panties and get ready to deal with this issue. I seem to have a good handle on the other aspects of therapeutic parenting but it is almost like I refuse to believe that restraining him will help. Read Christine Moer's blog for today. She uses the hold and even vocalizes it to her children. (She is my inspiration - not that you can tell). She posted a video on her YouTube channel that shows the safe way to hold a raging child. Although I can not find it at the moment I will post it a bit later. It is my understanding that after you hold the raging child a few times it should subside. If that is not the case, let me live in my little world of ignorance for the moment, my brain needs a break.
Pray for our family as I will pray for yours. Maybe soon I will have the guts to post for you the real day to day life in my house. I have hours upon hours of recorded rages and really scary stuff from when I was trying to prove there was something different about my son. The camera rolled and most times he never knew it was there. I go back and watch those videos and wonder how I ever made it out. I bet he thinks the same thing about his former life.
We can't even begin to heal the trauma inside him until we attach. One step closer always means an entire city block backwards...
Thanks for being willing to share! I know it is difficult, but your sharing the truth helps others. I have experienced both of these: self-mutilation and raging with my adopted children. Once my oldest daughter, Audrey, filmed my youngest in the car raging, slamming, hitting people, right before we were preparing to head into a pizza place. When he saw the film, he attacked her and tried to break her camera/phone. Sometimes, the kids are not ready to face themselves. She threatened to show the people is the pizza place the film and he got angrier.
ReplyDeleteHe is doing better, most days. I agree, if someone would have video taped my life for the first five years after expanding my family through adoption, I may not want to watch it either!
blessings, thanks for speaking the truth!
Kathleen Guire