Ok so trauma has decided to make things worse, up the anty on me! Potty talk has been a real issue and it keeps getting worse. I need to open my fast thinking mommy brain and pull out some sweet goodness! My little RAD is using potty talk as a tool. I know, I know "the action that gets the most reaction gets repeated" (I can actually hear the voices of reason in unison in my head when I say that). My problem is the potty talk is not just left to at home life. Potty talk has now moved into social settings. I can totally handle my RAD melting on me in the middle of the store. I can handle the rages and the stares from passersby. What I don't feel equipped to handle this week is the nasty potty talk towards other people. Picture this.......

Little old lady walking by pushing a grocery cart....little child running up and telling her she has saggy boobies or she is fat. Loud enough for everyone to hear. Lord I love my Nanny because that is the type of garbage she had to deal with last time her and the kids went to market. Hardest part is, this kid doesn't wear a flag that says, trauma speaking here move along not the child. He looks perfectly normal, just looks like a real brat. So my fellow wiped out exhausted RADical parents.....any ideas?

I have tried to ignore it. Gets worse. Tried to do it back to him. He laughs harder. Tried to discuss it. That went over like...(well bad). So last night I tried something a little different. I came home, the Nanny was exhausted, I did not say one word to my RAD. I walked up to him and gave him a notepad and a pencil with the words "I will not potty talk". I went old school on him. At this point he was sorta regulated and quickly complied. After about 5 minutes he proclaimed he was done. I went to the room (he was in eye range) and said "Oh MY! you are done?! Already?" He smiled (the not so sweet devilish grin) and I proclaimed, "that was only the first round but thank you for telling me you were ready!" So this is what mom says about potty talk. I wonder what Jesus says (my child is obsessive about religion) His next task was Matthew 7:12 Golden Rule. He wrote it until it was time for dinner. He looked at me with such disgust but at this point I just needed his mind occupied on something other than me.

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Talking to family:

Talking to other siblings has been increasingly negative. We are having a lot of "your stupids" being thrown around. Mind you this is not behavior that was learned in our house. We are very careful about how we speak to one another and we do not allow or kids to slam each other verbally using negative words. A good argument with an educated thought is fine. A nasty slang slam, not acceptable. I know these traits were learned in former foster homes, former "bad mom", school, daycare and all the places that came before our family took the reigns but they are hard habits to break. Sadly this was not an issue until my RAD started to realize he was not in control in the house and that not only mom had a "bead on what he was doing." Again, took it old school with writing and some good learned lessons. May not work but I will either imprint in their little brains that potty talk and nasty talk to family is not acceptable or give them great handwriting skills. either way I win, right?

So when it was all said and done and he started to really get upset and melt the following conversation took place:

Mom: "W do you know why I asked you to write this?"

W: *grunt*

Mom: "Do you want to know?"

W: *grunt* yes

Mom: "Do you really want to know because you don't seem like you do?"

W: "Yes"

Mom: "I asked you to do this because I love you and because I am trying to help you make good choices so you can grow up to be an adult and because it is my job as your mommy who loves you to teach you. I know you don't like it. You don't like it do you?

W: "No"

Mom: "But you do understand"

W: "Yes"

At that point he picked the pencil back up and I said, let's get ready for bed. I think you have control over your mouth and your body and you understand. He got up to go to bed and I started to leave the room and he hugged me. Two armed hug! He didn't say a word and started up the stairs. When we got to his room I tucked him in and he said "I love you mommy". He was regulated and I believe it was sincere. I was able to explain the bad act, the consequence and the reasoning with him listening and we had a close moment after. That is a big win for me. HOORAY for mom!

I think this worked because I took it off of him and placed it back on me. I made it easy to listen and understand. I transferred his frustration and he was able to regulate himself while on the verge of a melt without going over. You see when we started the conversation I had something "he" wanted. the answer to the question. It was the complete opposite of how things normally work in our house. He desired what I had in my head, not the other way around. I didn't make him work hard for it but I made him ask and I made sure he was ready for it. He loves to be in control and have all the answers. Here, he did not. He had to rely on mom for the answer. Slowly but surely he will begin to rely on mom more and more for answers and that is where we break the walls down. We are far from working on the trauma inflicted on him by his "bad mom". We have to attach first but I feel that these little steps everyday are getting us one battle, one heartache closer to being able to bond with each other. I will be honest, this is not the parenting I was raised with. this is not the parenting I thought I would use with my children. this is not something I feel "good at" but it is necessary and we will continue to do it. It is hard to love a RAD. I know that, you know that.

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I read an article today from 1983. I didn't not add the link but it was a Chicago paper reporting on a family that had adopted. The child was RAD and the disease was in the early stages of understanding. The mother was quoted saying, "It is hard to love a child like this. A child full of rage. A child that you wonder not if he will hurt you but when." That article hit hard with me because I know what that mom felt like. I am thankful we have this community to teach and encourage each other. I doubt that mom in 1983 had such a wide array of moms and dads to correspond with. Continue to reach out. Continue to counsel. Continue to offer your advice no matter how good or bad you think it may be. Just being there helps....

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School can be scary and this doesn't really apply to my post but I wanted to get it out there:

I found this website while searching yet again for answers that I thought may be helpful. We are gearing up for a new school year in a few weeks and I know that some of you have as many fears as I do. Not all of us have the ability to home school or select schools that our children may flourish better in but we make do. This is a letter to give to the new teacher to educate them on RAD. I tried to type out a list for my son's teacher last year (diagnosis was not until April). They didn't listen, didn't seem to really care. The triangulation was INTENSE! Whew! Hope next year's teacher takes the time for a little light reading!