Running. Yea, well we are officially there. My RAD is now a runner and more than just my little brain is on high alert. Doors locked at all times. Better watch that car door. Thank you Jesus for child locks and making sure I had the sense to purchase all my cars with them! So, running huh? That is the new symptom? Hate this one. I only run when something is chasing me. Guess my RAD feels the same way. We didn't give chase at first but seriously after pacing in the living room and seeing car after car after car...I almost lost it. Luckily my hubs was home and I told him we gotta get him. I had my first real moment of panic and question. Everything I read says let him go. Don't chase. My own intense fear was building and for quite possibly the first time in our parenting challenges I asked my hubs "What do we do? Go get him? Let him stay out there? What do you think?" I am sure he could tell I was starting to panic. He didn't say anything (he is the silent type) and walked towards the door. Ok then, we go get him. You flank one side, I flank the other. We ended up catching him and an oscar award winning performance took place all across the lawn. (please don't call the cops neighbors, they might take me in for lunacy! Seriously people my nerves were not shot, they were fried, baked, gone, whatever). I panicked. After everything I have been through, this event sent me over the edge.
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After getting life back to normal last night--after the intense violent rage inflicted on my hubs--I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My house is a wreck. I personally have nothing to wear to work, we are running out of household supplies, etc. I just couldn't do anymore for that moment. I sat down as I do nightly to catch up on fellow bloggers and post in The Little Prince chat room. Sad most of my friends or people I consider friends I have never even met. So the blog that I have not read for the day was Christine's. I am such a baby. She posted what we all feel and very few of us voice. Honestly, the first time I have teared up and cried in while. Hate that feeling. I break the wall that holds my tears and they flow so easily for the next few days. I am sitting on edge and if you tell me we just ran out of coffee in my office I may cry. Hate this feeling. Hate it.
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So today I am going to try my hardest to calm myself and reflect on what I can do to better handle situations that send me reeling. Keeping him safe. The house "mantra". But how do you keep someone safe with a death wish? You don't I suppose. You do the best you can with what you have. My fear? I have already buried one child and I don't think I would live through doing that again. Part of me is angry at my RAD because his action last night put me right back to a place that most frightens me.
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My physical wounds will heal. How long will it take for the emotional ones to do the same?
I used to have a runner she was 4 when she used to leave the house if i turned my back... I brought a house alarm, if a door was opened it triggered an alarm off.... the alarm scared her so much that it did stop it for a while... Ive chased that child up the road so many times....what do you do when a 4 yr old runs... leave her? I just couldn't... she has no road sense then and still doesn't now...there is no danger. I feel your pain I really do... I only found out my step-children had RAD a few months ago... but I have been dealing with it a lot longer.... Im still emotional over things that have happened yrs ago... Im not sure how long they take to heal... all I know is pray is the only answer to the healing.... you are in my prayers and my thoughts
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