I never thought I would have to make the call....

I have debated sharing this with the world mainly because nobody knows. I have done a great job at hiding it. Who cares! I blog for my own benefit and to help other moms and dads going through RAD so here it is.
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I have been absent for a few days. As many of you read my blog you know the level of violence my RAD has and can inflict. It has been escalating. He seems to push the envelope further and further each day. He pushed too far. Under the advice of my therapy team I had to hospitalize him. Seriously the hardest thing I have had to do since we began this journey. I was out of options and out of choices. He knew it. He was very honest with the doctors. "I hurt people, I hurt myself, I can't stop and I don't want too." Wow. I feel numb as I write about it. I was scared to blog earlier because I was afraid I would not stop crying.
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I was alone with a violent RAD who upon entry to the hospital parking lot miraculously stopped raging. We went to the quiet room and waited. We did not wait long. He was beginning to spin up. We were directed to a children's hospital one hour away. We drove in almost silence. I should have turned around, right? Trust me I thought about it. However, the safety of everyone was at stake and we needed help. We needed more than outpatient could offer us at this juncture. Were were immediately admitted to the behavioral clinic and transported to the 4th floor. We were searched and removed clothing that could pose as a threat and we waited some more. He was completely admitted at 2:30pm in the morning to a concrete room with nothing more than a mattress and a sheet (if you can even call it that). It was the saddest place I have ever seen. I had not cried yet. He seemed comfortable which made me want to cry harder. I told him I had to go and said his prayers with him. He said "Mom you are leaving me?" I told him I had to but I would be back. His blank matter-of-fact-self woke up and said "It's ok mother, I am fine, you can go now." He only talks like that when he is shut down completely. It was for his own good and safety....right? I don't remember much other than I got to my car and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity. I had just left my son in a mental ward. What sort of mother am I? How do I explain this to anyone else? How do I explain it to myself? I drove home in silence and ended up getting lost. I finally got home after 4:00am. Everyone was sleeping. None were affected. I was pissed. I don't know why but I half expected the household to be waiting for me to comfort me and ask what happens next. My husband woke when I climbed/fell into bed. He asked if I was ok. Stupid question. I snapped at him. Wasn't his fault but I needed to snap at someone. Everyone tonight had been so nice to me. Not a one looked at me like I thought they would "seriously lady you can't hold him down and control him?" They knew. He is almost as tall as I am. He is crazy strong. I needed to know I did the right thing. Maybe I still need to know that.
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2 hours later the phone rings with the first sign of life from the mental ward. The doctor is coming in and the therapist on staff needs some info. Sure, I have had 2 hours of sleep I am good for questioning. I spent the next hour trying to explain what RAD was to the therapist. I am getting pretty sick of having to do that. Most of them don't have a clue. By 8:00am I was out the door back to the hospital to be with my son. No sleep, no food and I don't really know how I made it there. He was fine. Quiet, but fine. He liked it there. He liked "being with his own kind". He didn't want to come home. I never cracked in front of him but that statement hurt. I spent the next several days with him at the hospital while my friend mothered my other children. Thank God for real friends. If you find one, please hold on to her, duct tape her a chair if you must. They don't come by easy. Sunday marked the 6th birthday of my youngest. RAD was still in the hospital. This may sound harsh but he ruined the birthday party still. My mind was far from party festivities. I saw him that morning, he was fine. Stayed a few hours and went home to rush and prepare for a birthday party. My mind was gone and I still had to confront family and friends wondering where my other son was.
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After the party I was able to call him on the phone. He was doing well and starting to miss home. I hope that he sees that once he pushes to a certain point mom and dad no longer have the control, someone else takes over. He seems to get it but who knows. He didn't act out at the hospital like he does at home. Go figure. The doc however saw right through him. The staff on the other hand....no so much. He only had minor altercations. So in a nut shell, literally...I took him and all he came back with was another diagnosis. ODD, oppositional defiant disorder....DUH Dr.! We kinda knew that one.
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He came home last night. He was hyper. He was on edge and as soon as it was bedtime he blew his top. He has to re-test those limits I suppose. It was a very big act. He can turn it on and turn it off. I had hoped for at least 24 hours with him in a calm state just happy to be home. Guess not. Did we make a mistake? We did what we were instructed to do and what we felt was right.
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I am beat. RAD has definitely caused me to pile a few more bricks onto my every growing wall around myself.