My RAD and his younger brother were playing in the living room. I was in the kitchen (close by) cooking and cleaning. I heard the conversation between the kids start to change and I knew the warning signs. I walked into the room and they were just beginning to play fight (mind you play fighting gets real ugly real fast). I told the kids not to play fight and they knew that it was not allowed. My RAD got mad and started to stomp off. I told him he should go jump on the trampoline and get some energy out and get his brain flowing. The younger guy was asked to sit down and take a break for a bit. Younger guy goes and plops down in front of the TV and turns it on. RAD gets furious that younger guy is watching TV. Younger brother didn't ask for TV and it is something I dish out but not often. Sitting like a zombie in front if the TV is not something I allow. I am one of those moms that doesn't allow bad computer games, video systems (other than the Wii and gameboys for roadtrips). I like my kids active, playing outside, engaging with other kids and using their imagination. I know I am way old school! I went and told the younger guy that he was not going to relax in front of the TV, please sit at the table. He got angry and said some things he should not have. I went back to the room and told him he needed to go to his room and think about the way he talks to his parents. I told him I loved him but that was not the way to act and he knew better. He is 5. He got to the top of the stairs and screamed as loud as he could "I HATE YOU!" My breath caught and I thought I was going to pass out. This child is not my RAD. He is my cute cuddly kid with an elfin smile and lights up a room when he walks in. Does he have trauma? Heck yes, now we all do. He has never said that to me. Guess he hears it too much. This made me very sad. I walked back into the kitchen where RAD was sitting and he laughed that evil laugh that send shivers up your spine. I wanted to vomit or slap him for turning my little boy into a smaller version of him. (For those out there that are wondering if I am human and a few of you have asked-I am, this one got me good and I struggled with my own mad). I didn't respond to him though I am sure my face was contorted. I went about my task. He picked up his water bottle and launched it at my head and laughed. I was pissed now but I knew the "lonely kid" had kicked in and "family kid" was going to be out of pocket for awhile. I told RAD he needed to get his water and head to his room to see if it was clean before bed. He started to slam his head into the table and I went into action.
"Hon, I can't let you hurt yourself. I have to keep you safe" I picked him up away from the table. The table is a small breakfast nook and he used this opportunity to kick the small bench towards me, lifted his feet and the bench came down across my bare toes. I did not cry out but man my foot still hurts! Started swelling and looks kinda yuk! We walked (staggered, me carrying him) up the stairs to his room. This is normal for us but I try not to put a show on in the main part of the house and quiet time after a rage is good for RAD and I to try and connect. We got to his room and he laid out on the bed. I sat quietly in the corner. I had a small book that I read and did not look up. He was screaming and kicking in the air. I could feel him getting a little worse. He started taking his blankets and trying to hold them over his head real tight. I had to remove them and thanked him because I forgot to get them when I did laundry the day before. When I had collected the laundry he began to punch himself in the head really hard. I had to hold him. I didn't have a choice. I used the hold that I have been trained to use. He was not in pain, he just couldn't hurt himself. I quietly told him I loved him and that I know dealing with this is hard and I was here for him. I told him I had to keep him safe and that he could not hurt himself or anyone else. He thrashed and raged for about 20 minutes. It felt like an eternity. He is strong and he has stamina. I did my best to hold him and talk to him but the entire time my brain was reeling from the "hate you" thrown from my youngest son's mouth. Inside I cried. I still have not outwardly cried. As the rage continued I wondered when he would calm enough but calm never came. Mind you the entire time he is screaming and talking about killing me and how he will hurt me and that evil laugh, oh that evil laugh (I hear it in my sleep). At one point he says you let my hands go. I will kill you. I don't answer. He says I will bite you. I don't answer. He bit me, hard. Hard enough I had to remove one of my hands and hold his head back. He didn't release his bite, I had to grab his hair and hold his head. It was the worst break we have seen yet. My oldest (bio-kid) came running upstairs and looked at me with fear, love, empathy, everything he shouldn't have. I know my face spoke volumes. When my oldest son, not yet a man looks at me and says "Want me to make the call Mom?."
This brought back VIVID memories of my daughter's first few years home. Living it was hard but I survived (as you are) but READING about it here, from another's perspective makes it seem sooo.....ugly. I'm sure you know what I mean. As a mom to a RAD, I have lived this same scenario more times than I care to admit, but reading it through your eyes made me weep. For your son, for you, for the millions of other children damaged from lack of love and care.
ReplyDeleteFunny thing is, my girl only has these types of rages once in a blue moon these days, but now that we are hosting a child thi summer, they have returned.
THANK you for painstakingly recording the whole event. Non-RAD parents need to read this.
Love to you, and your kids...
I am so sorry. I hurt for you and know that horrifying feeling you were talking about. Our little guys is about to turn four and we are starting to get the "I am going to kill you and dad" talk. He has always been strong, angry, and physical. He is physically stronger than myself now, so I am terrified of what the next few years may bring. He has become more physical the past week or so. Last week he gave my 5 year old a bloody nose and punched my 8 year old daughter in the stomach. I pray for God's protection over me, my husband, my other six children and for my "little" RAD guy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I think FaerieMama is right, non-RAD parents should read this so they can understand a bit more what our days are like.
Thank you for sharing new rad mom's post, FM. Perspective. It's all relative. One could never truly sympathize with another's story unless they share similar experiences. Raising a child with diagnoses of OCD, ADHD and GAD challenges me and my wife daily but we haven't had to endure the real presence of the physical threat posed to your RAD child and family members. My heart goes out to you as I try to appreciate how frightening and overwhelming this must be. We long ago stopped asking "Why him? Why us?" because we've discovered that the real answer is "Why anyone?". Mental illness knows no boundaries of race, color, religion or socio-economic upbringing. It simply manifests itself when and where circumstance and opportunity present or perhaps for reasons even less subtle that that. Our ability as caring human beings to step out of our own world and attempt to walk in the shoes of others, rather than speculating and judging, need be called upon with more frequency and commitment. Perspective. It's all relative until we do so... Good luck to everyone out there living with family members suffering from any mental illness. We can all learn from each other.
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