Last post was all about RAGE and the ugly side of it. I told myself I was not going to post again until I had something positive and encouraging to say. Something that could be added to your arsenal of parenting techniques and tricks. Well we all know that is easier said than done. In a conversation with my kid's therapist she kept asking "how did that make you feel." It drove me a little nuts because I realized at that moment.....I don't really feel anything! That should scare me but I guess it is my own little coping mechanism. She went on to say that the holding should not be that often and asked me if I was sure it was necessary. Don't get me wrong I love my kid's therapist and I think she is great. However, to all of you reading this (my non-supportive family included) it is necessary. I wish I did not have to do it. I hate doing it and I pray every day that I wont have to do it tomorrow! I wish I could video my life and show it to everyone who questions it. Come live a day with my family. I promise you will never be the same or look at us the same once you leave. You will see a healthy mix of love, nurturing, understanding, comedy, goofiness, rage, sadness and pain. The rage and the pain sometimes shadow the good qualities about our family.
Tools for parenting the RAD who abuses:
Does my child try to hit and hurt? Yup! Ignore it and you will get beat worse than the first hit. Ignore it some more and he will use anything in his path to throw, beat or stab you with. Is holding necessary? Is controlling the rage necessary? If you want to keep all of your appendages and you would like your other children to have the benefit of sight as they grow up YES!
Parenting books refer to the "state brain." The State brain being the "fight, flight, freeze" brain. For a good explanation of this and the other parts/function of the brain, please read Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control (Volume 1). It really breaks down the brain and the growth patterns. Knowing this about my son's brain, it makes dealing with his rages a bit easier. You have to try to start at the source and re-program back from there.
We use a method called Lonely Kid or Family Kid. I blogged about this earlier this month. Read the words in a book I will not recommend and the words stuck with us. Not the concept. It may not work for you but the "Lonely Kid" is almost like a completely different person that is in our house and separating him from my RAD (when he is regulated) gives us the option to talk about Lonely Kid and try to help Lonely Kid. It is a way we have figured to deal with the issues and talk about them without singling my RAD out or adding to his every growing shame.
Lonely Kid is looked at in my house as a fun stealer. Lonely Kid makes my RAD (family kid) miserable. We do exercises right before we start to spin up to tell the lonely kid to go away. "Lonely Kid go away!" Sometimes this calms the situation. Sometimes not. Like I have said 100 times or more, we do whatever we can to avoid or neutralize a melt down. I am constantly on my toes for triggers and try to staunch them when I see them. Triggers for a RAD, wow there is a blog topic. I think we RAD parents could fill up an entire book and still never figure out what caused the melt this morning or in the store yesterday.
I don't talk to lonely kid. I don't engage him. I try to get my RAD regulated and then we chat about what happened and how he felt. I don't over analyze or try to "fix" it because at that moment there is nothing I can do. I do try to make sure that my RAD (when regulated) understands what happened and we try to talk about it. Understanding that even talking about it can spark yet another melt. It is a constant feeling of walking on egg shells but you get used to the balancing act after so much practice.
Let your RAD fix the act
Our other means to resolve the issue after the melt or the act is to "fix it". That means letting the RAD fix the situation. If he damaged someone's personal stuff he has to repair the act. Repairing the act allows him to have closure and feel better. He needs to know that he can fix the act and then move on. The act, once fixed is not brought up again unless my RAD wants to talk calmly about why he did it. The person that was on the receiving end whether it be a parent, the nanny or one of the other children do not bring it up. Let your RAD fix it and then drop it! Forget it! Wash it from your mind! Dwelling on it will only make you a less effective parent. You have enough baggage to tote, don't let that add extra weight to your already overloaded shoulders.
Case in point. RAD did something to intentionally hurt another child in our home. For the remainder of the day he served the wound of that child. He had to retrieve water, a snack, pillow, blanket, kind words, etc. Sorry is not something our RAD understands, therefore he is not required to say he is sorry for anything he has done because he does not even understand the concept of sorry. Try not to get hung up on "I'm sorry". If you have your RAD apologize you are not doing anything to help RAD. You are telling RAD that they can say a few words to make something better but it does not mean a thing to them. Let them fix it. They need to fix it.
Now if you are like me and you have a RAD that is less than willing to fix the act and is defiant and refuses, make them sit. Seriously, make them sit. They don't get to draw or read or do anything! Their life for the day as they know it is intensely boring until they are able to fix the act. This can take hours so be prepared. Continue on with your life but be prepared to wait them out.
A rage that lasts for hours or even days turns you into the worst housekeeper ever because you are in family survival mode! You have time for nothing else. Last night a rage ensued for no reason. No triggers (that I saw), nothing. Zero to psychotic break in less than 2 seconds. I am still wondering what happened. I don't like using the term psychotic break and I don't use it lightly. Seriously if you were a fly on the wall in my house last night there is no better way to explain it. It was vicious, scary, intense and LONG! Due to the enormous rage and the time it took away I was unable to do my mommy chores. This morning I went to wake RAD (who was calm and regulated) and asked him to come down stairs for breakfast. While he began to eat I told him that I was unable to do my mommy chores last night after the kids went to bed because I was with him long after bedtime. I told him that today I would like him to do my chore I had scheduled for last night to fix it. I thanked him for helping me because I got behind with my chore. (mind you I told him the chore, I told him why, gave him a way to make amends and thanked him for it all before he could speak). He looked at me and started that whine/grunt noise. I told him that I was sorry if I asked too much too early and asked him if he would like to go back to bed, maybe he was too tired. I would wait until he was ready. He screamed at me and said, "FINE I will do it!" He is able to fix it and the chore gets done. Win/win right? Maybe, maybe not. He has to be regulated and ready before he can start. We will see what happens.
Am I doing everything right? Probably not. Am I doing everything with love and understanding? You bet. Am I trying everything I can and reading every book I can get my hands on to give me tips and teach me what to do? You better believe it! Does it depress me that my perfect family is not the way I envisioned? Absolutely. The fact that I can admit that and continue on tells me I am strong enough to do it. The fact that I blog about it is to show you I am human.
The rages are getting worse, longer, more often and much more violent. I don't have the answers but I know I can't give up. I feel like the last hope he has. Sending him to a treatment facility or boot camp is not an option for us. I can't let him get lost in the system. The system has already failed him. I know a lot of the blogs I read are struggling with the same issues. Keep one kid safe or keep them all safe. How do you chose? Why should we have to chose? How long can we continue? Are we even making a dent here? Will he grow up to hurt people or give in to the rage and commit suicide? Can you even see a future for your RAD? Have you dreamed and planned how he/she will grow and what kind of adult they will be? For me, I have not made it that far because thinking even one day ahead is too hard.
When the kids are in bed tonight go to the mirror. Look at yourself and honestly stand in the mirror and say this "Self, you made it through another day. Tomorrow you will do the same. You are making a difference. You are loved and will continue to show love. You are not alone."
As you meander through the blogs and the postings for the next few days or you chat with facebook friends. Stop a mom who you know is struggling and thank her. Thank her for being a good mom and tell her you support her and you are here for her. Whether or not you have met her "in real life" or not. Knowing people out there support you gets you through tough times. Moms reading this....I support you. I pray for you. I know you are doing the best you can and you are doing it well. You make a difference!
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