RAD-have you ever seen what your rage looks like?

I may have made a mistake. Hence my waiting a week to post this. I wanted to make sure the coast was clear. Go with your gut mom, right? We therapeutic parent but our gut tells us where and when we can push those boundaries. Mine does. Mine does a pretty good job. After this episode however, my husband thought I was insane. I am either a genius or a complete moron. Fine line really.

RAD. We all know the term. We all know the various stages and types of RAD. Most of you here know I have the violent one in my house with my first diagnosed RAD. The little guy is more the passive aggressive style. Violence prevails and violence gets the attention at this point. We have had it get to the level where he must be held to keep him safe as well as other around him, including me. For those of you that have never had to hold a child in the mist of what I feel is a psychotic break I envy you. For those that have been on the floor, on the side of the road, in the grocery store, beaten and bruised along side of me I cry for you.

If you have never seen a RAD violent rage I you can check out YouTube. Its not pretty and you don't need to see it to know what I am explaining. We have rages about 3-4 times a week. Some bad, some catastrophic, all seriously handled. We have safety plans with the kids, dogs, etc. We are a pretty prepared family. Safety is ALWAYS the main goal. This particular night I was exhausted. I mean really beat to the ground exhausted. I was alone with the 3 boys (no biggie) and a RAD rage ensued. This one caught me off guard because I still do not know what the trigger was. I am usually pretty good at looking back and having that "ah- ha" moment. Not this time. I know I know time in instead of out but I was whipped. I asked him to go to his room and have a few minutes alone and think about why he was so mad all of a sudden. He refused so I helped him to his room. Not pushy, not violent "if you have forgotten how to walk to your room I will help you". I never leave him alone in his room. I am always listening at the door or right there with him. He has nothing in his room that he can hurt himself with. His room is the safest room in the house for him. He became quiet unnervingly fast and I was either making HUGE progress or I was about to get attacked. I slowly opened the door and said "did you call me?" (that's what I do to check on him so he doesn't think he is manipulating the other children's time because he likes to do that--ooo that's another blog). He ran at me full force, he was waiting for me. Arms out, screaming, black eyes, blind rage and I was the target. While he ran at me it was almost in slow motion "I am gonna kill you, I hate you....." I grabbed his arm all at once, spun him around and flopped on the ground with him in a therapeutic hold. I have never moved so cleanly and efficiently. Good thing too because he was scary. I had been holding him for awhile while he is detailing how he is going to kill me. "you are safe, I will keep you safe" I repeat, nothing more. I love you would only enrage him more. I know I have been there. "You just wait, when you don't know I am there I am going to kill you. You will bleed" he snarks back. I doubt I have even described this in detail to where my husband understands just how scary this all went down. I was so close to calling the hospital again. I didn't because the hospital is an hour drive away! An hour for the kiddo psych ward. I had my other 2 children with me and a demon in my lap. I couldn't risk it. I felt desperate and my heart began to race, I loosened my grip (stupid Brandy, stupid), he bit me hard but I did not flinch. I started to look around while he screamed and laughed, it was so evil. I couldn't even pray. I was. that. scared. I did the only thing I could think of.

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I picked up a raging child who is more than half my weight and plopped down with him in front of his closet mirror doors. He looked in the mirror and leaned forward and screamed. It was almost inhuman. I got brave. "look at him. look at Lonely kid. See his face? See how mean? He wants to hurt everyone. Look at him. LOOK!" He stopped squirming and looked in the mirror. His brows were in a nasty V shape and his eyes were solid black he did not want to look and he was still going to kill me. "I am going to hurt you mommy" He said it over and over and over. I got brave again. I am tired of this charade. I looked at the raging child in the mirror and with all the strength I had I said "Do it then. Kill me and get this over with. The only way you are going to stop me from loving you and being a good mommy is to kill me. I am tired of fighting so get it over with."

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Stupid huh? Probably.

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He stopped raging and looked at me in the mirror. Not Lonely kid, Family kid. He said "Lonely kid is ugly mom. I don't want you to die" We continued to look in the mirror (I was no longer holding him) and we made faces replicating the facial difference between Lonely Kid and Family Kid. We moved our eye brows up and down. It was a good chance to regroup after the melt.

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I was dripping in sweat. Literally soaked. This lasted a good 30 minutes. He went downstairs and I sat in the hall for a minute trying to reflect. My oldest son came up and put a hand on my shoulder, smiled and said "you are a great mom". Profound words for a 12 year old.

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We have actually used the facial expressions to distinguish between which "kid" our RAD is at different moments. When the brows start to crinkle I ask him. "Hey man your eye brows are getting wonky, we taking a lonely kid visit or can we catch him?" More often than not lately we do catch him. Beating Lonely Kid is a big deal. We stomp and squish him every chance we get.

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So, was it a mistake to let him see what we see?