Honor Roll of Shame

Report card time. Some kids sweat. Some stress. Some get excited. Some scared. Some get rewarded. Some get punished. Some…well some throw themselves on the floor in a fit of rage, convulse like they are having a seizure and scream at the top of their lungs about how awful of a mom you are because you don’t care, no one cares!

It lasts about an hour total. Awful. Painful to listen too. Painful to understand all this shame. I think sometimes that the shame will kill him. It reminds me of a person’s grief. You look at them and wonder if their soul will heal. You wonder if they will ever be the same. You wonder if they can ever do “normal life” again. I feel that way about my son. Can he EVER get past the shame enough to love? Answer to that question lies in years of therapeutic parenting, attachment based parenting and exhausted resources.

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I want to share with you how this came about because for me it is important to understand triggers and ways in which I can avoid them or be better prepared in the future. This particular issue caught me off guard.

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I just walked in the door, still putting down my purse, rushing to get ready for a class. (I am taking a class with a friend as mommy time--thank you hubbs!) Everyone knows Tuesday mommy has to drop and run. No biggie. Dinner is already done. Laundry is already done. Your needs are met. Mom takes extra time to make sure EVERYTHING is done so she can have peace on Tuesday night. My oldest RAD runs up to me, thrusts his report card in my face and starts waiving it. "It is important!!!!" "NOW!" Not sure how he thought that would work in his head but hey we don't roll like that. My response was simple, "I see that. Let me get my stuff put down and together and I will look at it in one second". That is all I said....

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He thrust himself on the floor at my feet in an Oscar winning dramatic performance and started to shrill. Loud. High Pitched. Something that should only be classified and used by animals.

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Was it my class? Was it my plans? Was it him feeling I was not caring for him? Was it the report card? Was it my not noticing it the very instant it was thrust in my face?

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My husband and I discussed this long after the kids were in bed and I had come home from my class. I think it was a mixture of everything. His report card was A/B honor roll. He went from failing grades to the honor roll. I should be so proud right now. I should be bragging on my kid. All I really want to do is cry for him. He should have been proud. He should have let me parade him like a genius. He should have let me have a special treat for him. He should, I should....ad nauseaum.

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I hate RAD. I hate that I can't be the mom I want to be. I hate that I am not what I once was.

(Picture used with permission. Clip art licensed from the Clip Art Gallery on DiscoverySchool.com)