I feel like a shell of my former self. Most of you that know me on a more personal level know I am not a "feel sorry for myself" kind of person. You know that I am very much a say what is on my mind kind of gal. This post is just that. I need to get some things off my chest. I need desperately to find my place again.
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I hate RAD. I hate the disease. I hate what it is doing to me. I hate more what it is doing to my family.
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I wake up mad at the world. I go to sleep angrier still. I spend every waking minute trying to find my peace and find some happy around me. I am so overwhelmingly exhausted when I do finally pass out at night after fighting myself all day I can't sleep. I don't sleep well. I toss and turn. I have terrible dreams and I often wake myself in tears. This is not me. This is not the mom I was and not the mom I want to be in the future. I struggle everyday to make sense of the world that we now live in.
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My home is a prison. I am constantly on guard. He is not healing and therefore nobody in my home can begin healing. It scares me just how effected my other children are. It's not fair to them. I simply can't be everyone's everything much longer.
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I have tried over and over again to find things for myself. Time with the little friends I have left, hobbies, writing, a new business. You name it and I have consumed my world with it in efforts to hold on to something...anything. Nothing. Nothing makes me happy. It seems that the harder I try the more withdrawn I become. I am pushing away the only people I have left. I want to be alone. I am starting to hate me.
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I have spent the last year feverishly trying to get help for a very disturbed child that I call son. He calls me bitch. I went from a loving mom who loves to care for her children and anyone else that will let me ...to...bitch. All the things that defined me as a caregiver, a mom, a person, have faded away.
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I hate RAD in case you haven't noticed.
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I feel like I have exhausted everything and everyone for one goal, my son. I feel like I am not heard and I feel like I am looked at like a lunatic. I am passionate about getting help. I have no other choice. I wish I felt heard.
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I am secluded and avoid public. Sad, really sad. I am safety patrol now, not mom. Attachment therapy and trying to connect has shifted dramatically. The last 6 months have been more about safety and less about attachment and love. There seems to be a fine line. Love and tolerance. Mom and Officer. Child and Aggressor. The lines have seemingly been blurred and I can't for the life of me redefine them.
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Peace. I want peace. I pray for peace. I NEED peace. I need to know that it is possible again. I have felt that God is not with me lately. Stupid statement because I know in my core he is here and he is my rock. Why can't I trust that enough to let it go?
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I have pushed so hard for so long. We are really close to residential treatment. I don't have much enthusiasm left in me and I wonder if it will really help. I have to hope that it will. Something is better than nothing. I feel oddly mixed about RTC. I have worked so hard for the only help that can make a difference and in the same breath losing my son at home. Seems strange that we have to make that step, that sacrafice to get help. Nothing makes sense anymore. I want him here. I want him to heal. Part of the feeling is that I have failed even though I gave it my all and failure should not be defined by RTC. It is the way I feel though. I feel like he had such a rough start in life and I was chosen to be his mom. I was chosen to help. Help has come in a form that I never anticiapted and never wanted.
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This is a new road and maybe a shot for the family to heal. I wonder how long I will have to "pretend" to be happy while my son is away in a mental facility. How do you pretend through something like that?
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How do you mother a child away?
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How do I find peace within under the circumstances?
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How do I convince myself this is for the betterment of him and the family?
I hear you. It is so hard. You are not alone. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteRAD is just so ugly and I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteDid I say you could write this stuff about me? 'Cause RAD has so seriously screwed me that I don't remember anymore whether I gave you permission or not. But you did write everything that's been in my head.
ReplyDeleteCRAP I hate RAD, too. I hate what it does to my kids, to me, to our family, to our life!! Nothing in life is normal anymore. Nothing. I don't even remember how normal people live anymore. And they stuff they talk about is so stinking trite that I can't even stomach it. It actually makes me crazy to listen to it. Who freaking cares about sports scores or what's on sale at Dillards or where you're going on vacation. I'm a whole lot more concerned about making sure my family doesn't implode or my house explode.
And of course, with summer approaching and the kids being home and in my face all the time, I not only get to deal with their crap, I get to brace for even more "you need to do this and this and this and this. Your job isn't to fix your house or save everyone else. It's to be a mom to your kids. It's to make sure the laundry is done and meals are prepared on time because every kid acts better when they have a belly full of warm food that was lovingly prepared for them. But make sure you keep a wall up so they don't hurt you!" "Huh? Have you EVER parented trauma??? Do you really think I haven't tried all that stuff?? Do you have any idea what will happen if I try it your way??" But no..I just get more of the same "You have to do things this way. Your kids need to go to this club or that. They need to socialize with other kids more. You need to cut them some slack and just let them be kids! YOU NEED A BREAK!!! Can I watch your kids for you while you take a break?" "No, thank you. You may not watch my kids. They will charm the socks off you and will eat me alive when they come home. It will make things exponentially worse for our family. But feel free to pull the weeds in my yard that I can't keep up with or wash my windows that are so dirty I can't see out of them or clean my disgusting kitchen that I can't stay on top of either." And all I get in return is crickets chirping.
On a different note, though, regarding therapy, It became very clear very fast that trauma therapy (play therapy specifically), not attachment therapy was the way to go. Until they were able to clear out some of that emotional space by being able to process some of the trauma (even on a superficial level), they didn't have any available emotional space for attachment. None! And the more we tried to push it, the harder they pushed back. Putting them on meds for ADD/ADHD also helped a TON! They were so constantly wired that they couldn't focus on anything else. Life was all about running and jumping and bumping and thumping and yah, humping, too. And really, who wants to bond with someone who's contantly telling them to knock it off and shut up??
We don't know each other, but on the outside looking in, I can see how you've changed. I've read your blog for awhile now, and I can see how fractured you've become. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I know how hard you are trying to do what's best for your son. I don't know much about trauma parenting, but I don't think anyone would blame you for placing him in RTC. It sounds like you've done everything you can, and then some, and his disease is destroying your family. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard! I am so sorry. I'm sure you've tried medication before, but if not, would you consider it and if so, would you consider talking to the clinical folks about making a change? I have dear friends whose 9 year old son has been wilding out for almost a whole year. I mean they've spent thousands on new glass doors, replacing all windows, televisions, ... and he's been threatening (pulling knives on parents, hiding weapons in his room, etc., etc.). They were on the road to hospitalization and they had his meds changed. It's all manageable again. There are some short term treatment programs that will take your child for one or two weeks while they work on finding the right meds. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are hurting so much. My child is very mild (HA!) in the grand spectrum of RAD and it is still absolutely exhausted. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. You have done everything you can do on your own. RTC is just a different way of you still helping him. I want so badly to be able to fix this for you and I'm sure you wish someone could fix it too. One of the other awesome mommas once told me she had to learn how to love the RAD because it had kept her daughter "safe" (a relative term for sure)while she was in situations the mom could hardly fathom. In her situation (and everyone's is different), by hating the RAD she realized she was hating part of her daughter - a really vital part that had defined her. When she started making conscious effort to Love the RAD things started to change.
ReplyDeleteI know this is all just words and I'm not living your life. I can imagine how bad things are, but I don't really know. It's just what came to me as I read your post today. I love you. So many people love you. So many people that love you are getting what you are saying here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Nothing I can say of comfort except that #1, i've been where you are and #2 I am praying for you this night in a very rainy and lonely Moscow. You are not alone. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what else to say except I've been there. Every word you wrote echoes with my heart. RTC, safety, hall monitor, prison. Yep, been there, done that. Hated it. Hated who I became. I want to be honest and say when I was where you are I didn't think it would ever get better. But 7 years later from putting our B in RTC I can say that there is hope. I see glimpses of me, moments of laughter. I still have 2 RAD kids, one healing and one empty as can be, as well as 2 bio kids. You know we've been through it all. You will be stronger. I want you to cling to that. You cannot go through this unchanged, but you will be stronger and there will be a brighter day. For all of you. Your other kids will process and heal, I just want to encourage you to let go what you cannot control. And honestly, that's probably most everything. I am sorry for the unknowns in your life. They will eat you up. Don't let them. You are not alone.
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