I feel constantly reminded that my son has issues bigger than anything I was able to comprehend at adoption. He has baffled one professional after another. I get scared for his future and for ours. The other children are in limbo. He lasted 5 full days home before he had to be sent back to the hospital. I told myself that I had no choice. I know that I have no choice. Stupid mom side of me keeps sneaking in doubting everything I do. I hate that I can’t change him. I hate that he doesn’t want to change. I hate that he chooses institution life over his family and I am powerless.
Therapy. Did we really make headway or was it just another very clever acting game? I can’t answer that. My real side says I was duped. My mom side says it was wonderful and he was healing. Whatever the answer is I think it helped. It helped me and gave me hope. (there goes that 4 letter word again)
I am two people living in one body. I am not sure just how to be a normal mom. I am completely lost. Learning to relax is not as easy as it sounds. I have more anxiety and stress from parenting one child and constantly being on high alert that I had no idea what havoc I was wreaking on my body. I am learning to be calm and silent. I have filled my days with work, project upon project, cooking, cleaning, kid activities….you name it and I am the first one there. For the time being I have to. I need to.
It’s not like I don’t have 3 other children with various issues. It just doesn’t matter at this point. I think it is blatantly obvious I am “trying” to have fun with them. My oldest told me yesterday. “Mom everyone knows you have to be all crazy dealing with W and we understand. We expect things to be different with him, treat him different, you know? It seems to other kids like he is your favorite. X asked me yesterday why you were always with W like he was your favorite. I smiled and said nah my mom doesn’t have favorites. But we know you love us and you are always there for us. You just have to be a little differently”
Damnit. He was trying to make me feel better but the reality that my other kids are suffering and even their friends notice stinks. It’s not that W is my favorite. All you RAD moms know what I mean. Some days we would like to be AS FAR AWAY from them as possible! AHHHH! Favorites? No. Necessity? Abso-freakin-lutely!
Remembering me. Remembering the mom I used to be.
Last night I dreamed I was spread in a field of sunflowers, alone. The sky was beautiful and my sundress flapped in the wind. I could smell the sweet smell of the flowers around me and feel the warm sun on my skin. The clouds rolled and I was still. Beauty was exploding all around me. Just before I woke I looked up and whispered “thank you. I thought you stopped listening to me.”
I want to go back to sleep…
You had me at the title.
ReplyDeleteThank-you.
And yep.
a couple of weeks ago my 12 year old me that she wishes she could have met me before I parented "the oldest" so she could "see what a happy mommy looks like." Talk about a knife in the heart!
ReplyDeleteI know my other kids do not get the mom that I wanted to be, but instead get this traumatized on high alert (even tho' he has been gone for so long...I just keep waiting for the other shoe) mom that misses too many opportunities to see normal.
Peace to you all!
This resonated with me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.
ReplyDeleteCrying big fat tears of understanding right now. Thank you so much for putting your heart out there!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I know a little about what you mean. My RAD kid takes way more of my parenting and pretty much sucks the fun out of anything we try to do with both kids. The younger one see's so much that I hate.... can't really even think about it or I will go off the deep end.
ReplyDelete